i took charge of pizzas at a friends house this weekend. we had three pizzas and i figured i’d save a little time by cooking them at the same time and just add a few minutes. final score, 1 pizza burnt, 2 quasi-raw. who knew where the night would go from there.
one person, while pointing her finger at a pizza with a piece pulled back to expose the burn said,”the pizza is burned!” as the night went on, she made two more references making sure to mention getting a piece from the “burnt pizza”.
another person boldly stated that more than one pizza can’t be done at a time. where the hell were you when I put the pizzas in the oven? I know I made a mistake; I didn’t need the constant reminders.
mistakes. were made, move on. i wish I could of said this and had it sink in before everyone got in their words else wise.
if only the night ended there. unfortunately, it did not.
you see, i experience emotions deeply, especially the bring-me-down emotions like sadness, anger, and frustration just to name a few. i don’t just feel sad about the mistake i made with the pizza, i felt, beat, battered and bruised by some for the mistake i made. i felt like i just ruined the day for everyone and i’m wondering what the hell am i still doing here.
the deep emotions caused me to be totally and completely disconnected. a movie played on the tv. with plenty of room on the couch, I chose to sit in a dining chair insuring a physical disconnection. I’ve seen the movie before and enjoy it, but I just couldn’t get into it. it played but it didn’t sink in. to make the point, this happened 4 days ago, and I can’t remember what movie we watched.
i experience emotions deeply and i recognized them as a blessing and a curse. these deep bring-me-down emotions must contribute to my depression. what if I could have had a reaction like water off a duck? i wouldn’t of felt awful leading to a total disconnection. the day could have at least ended up flat instead of the downer day that it had become.
if enough of these events build up, who wouldn’t experience a down feeling. and if these events pile up, it would take an army to beat back the depression.
so pizza, sometimes a blessing but this time a curse. i felt too deeply and it became a big drag on this little corner of my life.