in our last episode…i talked about the best i’ve felt in year sthanks to methylfolate. one thing i didn’t mention was a fear that i had that it might stop working. shortly after a move to the positive direction. guess what? my worst fears have been realized, a turn-hard right. Continue reading
i’ve had a bad habit in my life of letting my bring-me-down emotions, my dirty dozen, control my life. fear would breed fear which would breed more fearand and so on. anxiety would breed to more anxiety which would lead to even more anxiety and so on. anger would breed mor anger which would breed to even more anger on so on. this pattern, would entrap me and i would seemingly get caught in an inescapable vortex, spiraling out of control heading for a nearly inevitable visit with depression.
a couple of months ago, i found myself swimming in anxiety, an 8 out of 10. I simply noted how anxious I felt. I stopped and spent 15-30 seconds with my anxiety, not giving it any more power. i went forward with my day. a few minutes later, i noticed the anxiety had left. cool! another time since, i left my anxiety behind by acknowledging the anxiety, spending a few seconds with it, not giving it any more power, and moving on.
You might remember my brush with my “friend” from a few weeks ago. i did the unthinkable act of expressing anger to a friend. that would have been unthinkable, just a short while ago. they ended walking out on me. i convinced myself i had done nothing wrong, which is true since all i did was express an emotion, a perfectly legal and legitimate act to take. i’m not giving the situation many spare cycles; they walked out on me. they haven’t tried to contact me btw. unfortunately, i don’t think i’ll hear from them ever again. their loss.
a couple weeks ago, i was dealing with one of those emotional dropouts, you know, when every seems to be going well them boom! the bottom drops out. Where the hell did that come from? while doing a brainstorm with a friend on how i could handle something like that, I doubted any good would come of it. One of my suggestions was to just be with the drop, not giving any more power. I moved on from what seemed be a lame exercise.
later that day, it finally dawned on me the parallels between how I handle anxiety and how i proposed to handle the emotional drop outs. because of the discovery, maybe the brainstorm exercise wasn’t so lame after all. a few minutes later, another revelation happened. Why can’t this method be used with my dirty dozen; anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, frustration, feeling judged, feeling less, abandoned, lonely, criticized, rejected, and stressed? would that be a dream? yes it would. if it would get an upper hand on my dirty dozen, it’s worth the old college try.
last night, i had another one of those most enjoyable emotion dropouts. i tried my new method. i acknowledged i dropped out, had a few moments with it and tried to move on. Is mostly worked, not as well as my try with anxiety, but i still felt i recovered more quickly. and after going through the process, i felt less controlled by the dropout. i went to bed hoping to held by Mary to finish my recovery. she laid there in sound asleep. i didn’t get my hold, my recovery completed before falling to sleep, though.
today, i went cross country skiing for the first time this year. even though I had skied for over 25 years, today i just couldn’t stay over my skis. after brutal wipeouts, and, god forbid, taking my skis off do go down a couple of hills, i had myself convinced that i had skied the last time for the year. i noticed how frustrated i was. i acknowledged i was frustrated, spent a moment or two with it and moved on. the energy quickly dissipated and i went on with my day. The topper? by the end of the day, i actually had a fun and good time. the frustration which would have sunk my day many times before, became barely a blip on the screen.
maybe there is something to, for lack of a better term, not fighting my dirty dozen. when they show, i treat them like the obnoxious guest at a cocktail party. i’ll give ’em a nod from afar, and move on to people i’d rather talk to. in the analogy, that will make for a much more pleasant cocktail party and for life, a little less tumultuous journey. the would be a good thing.
long time no write. i must warn you, i’m feeling down.
today’s my birthday. i feel reflective.
i feel down, way down.
uncertainty rules the roost, both in the near term and the long term.
in the short term, i’m having some interpersonal problems. a co-facilitator, someone i could trust, had three violations of my trust in one day. you might try to say well, it was just one day it’s okay;. it’s no biggie. it’ll blow over. don’t. they were totally uncalled for and hurtful. in an tempt to practice fairness, i got waylaid, bushwhacked, cut off at the pass, tanya harding-ed. i really want to resolve this, like by tomorrow. tomorrow is our meeting. i don’t want to go to the meeting where i’ll let here get away with some half-ass contrition that leaves me unresolved. i don’t want to go because it’s would scream there’s something wrong and i fear she may try to rush in to fix it with some half-ass contrition that will leave me feeling unresolved. i want more than an admission of wrong, i want an apology for the wrongs done, for the hurts the events have caused.
oh, sure i’ve been trying to get something lined up with the group coordinator. she’s been on vacation along with we just crossing paths, leaves a potentially short window in which to get things done. i do recognize about 5 potential outcomes and i have an action plan for each. doing that gave me incredible peace. i know and trust the coordinator to allow me to speak my peace and would stand by my side until i feel resolved. just that it’s dragged out so long and has the potential of dragging out even long kicked up the uncertain, uncomfortableness, and serious anxiety producing levels.
i have a support group that go to every second wednesday. today happens to be that day. i really want to go to the meeting to get support for were i am at. on the other hand, it’s my birthday; i can miss a day. on top of that, to top it off, there’s uncertainty of what Mary has planned for the day. normally, that wouldn’t be a problem if i were in a healthy state or even a depressed state. just finding myself in what feels like a transition state, takes this one tiny happening and adds it to the fires of uncertainty. i still can’t tell you what i want or will to do with this evening.
uncertainty begets uncertainty.
all this short-term uncertainty have got me asking the three deadly questions: where have i been?, where am i now? and where am i going? being this mixed state has caused me to look at these questions with a little too much cynicism, pessimism and lack of optimism. in the past, i see opportunities missed, wrong decisions made, and unfulfilled potential. in the present, i feel lost, unresolved, inadequate, and afraid. with the future, i feel mostly afraid, afraid of what lay ahead, afraid if i can handle it and i finding myself asking the question, “how?’.
as the beetles say, they say it’s your birthday. i wish it wasn’t. all this uncertainty and the anxiety it generates casts a pall on the day. i know it doesn’t always happen, and i know it’s not likely not happening today, but i would like a day full of happiness, joy and peaceful and gentle reflection.
have you ever waited? waited for the interurban? waited for a light to turn green? waited for someone to get out of the bathroom? waited for a friend to arrive? waited for the results of a test? waited for the big day? waited for a game to start? waited for a game to end? waited for the rain to stop? waited for snow? waited for sunshine? waited for the phone to ring? waited for an email to arrive? waited for dinner to finish cooking? waited for dinner to finish, period? waited for dessert!? waited for bed? waited for someone to come to bed? waited to get out of bed? waited for someone to get out of the shower? waited for a sink clog to clear? waited for a toilet backup to clear. waited for the big storm to pass? waited for a true love to return? waited for a damned depression to be done? waited for time to pass? waited for time to stand still? waited in line? waited in queue? waited for a bus? waited for a plane? waited for a hug? waited for a kiss? waited for alone time with just you and your lover? waited for spring? waited for summer? waited for fall? waited for winter? waited to be done? waited to start? waited for just the perfect light? waited for sunrise? waited for the day to start? waited for sunset? waited for the day to end? waited for the movie to start? waited for the movie to end? waited to get out of the preverbal mud? waited for a dog to come? waited for a cat to come? waited for a fish to turn around? waited for a vacation? waited for your ship to come in? waited for the tide to go out? waited for the tide to come in? waited for the clouds to part? waited for the sun to come out? waited for the car to start? waited for the grass to grow? waited for a repair to finish? waited for a meeting to start? waited for a meeting to end? waited to make an appointment? waited to make a phone call? waited for the police to arrive? waited for search and rescue to arrive? waited for the snuffed up knose to glear? waited for your temperature to go down? waited for the water to get hot? waited for the stove to get hot? waited for help to arrive? waited to start? waited to end? waited to arrive? waited to leave? waited for the watched pot to boil? waited for the door to open? waited for the door to close? waited to be taller? waited to be skinnier? waited for the bread to rise? waited for something to be done? waited for the cashier? waited for someone to be born? waited for someone to pass. waited for someone to get out of your way? waited for a question? waited for an answer? waited for the water to recede? waited for a drought to end? waited for someone to catch up? waited for in to cool down? waited for it to warm up? waited for a miracle? waited for someone to come out of surgery? waited for someone? waited for someone to come around? waited for it to end? waited for it to begin? waited for the lights to come on? waited for the lights to go out. waited for the agony to end? waited for the celebration to begin? waited for success? waited for something special? waited for waiting?
I have, too. how much time do we lose while waiting? how anxious does it make us? what can we do with the anxiety of waiting? can we do something while we wait? what can we do with what we lose while waiting?
(this post finds its roots in yesterday’s errands, where at one point i went less than 200 yards in about 15 minutes. ugh! note to self: never go through that intersection at rush hour , ever again. no, i mean it!)
my friend had a tough time with her sprained ankle. the pain impeded her ability and she self-admitted she was isolating.
it got to the point where she seemed to be coming out of her shell. we even planned to do something together. the next day, she came down with a cold. this ended up to be one of those horizontal colds. you might know about those; it’s a cold where not only is horizontal the preferred position, but it’s the only position. needless to say, our get together got postponed.
my friend has had a near life–long battle with anxiety. now her daughter, who is about 8, faces a continual struggle with anxiety. she was looking for some ideas so i passed along some that would hopefully be helpful to her and her daughter. i realize that i could also benefit from the “medicine” i gave her. my hope is it might help you, too.
this a picture of my office.
how’d it get like this? years of work. There are a number of contributing factors
disorganized/not enough space – i go to put something away and i don’t know what to do with it. if it doesn’t have a place, i’ll just set in down and commit to getting to it later. later never comes.
a dumping grounds- Mary ask me to take care of a pile of stuff. i have no place for it and i am generally not in the mood to make a decision or there is no place for the thing, so i just stow it away in my office.
a mess begets a mess- The room became a mess. I have something to put away. it may even have a place to go where is make some sense. i enter the office. let’s see, if i step over this pile to step over that pile to step over another pile to step over yet another pile, i could put it away. nah, that’s too much effort, i’ll just drop it here.
computer archaeology- did you know the computers and their peripherals get old and outdated? technology which use to work perfectly fine, won’t even hook up to modern day computers. i guess i hold onto it in case there is an emp. perhaps, the older technology will still work. i have a mac plus, with a full mb of memory! it booted at one time. does it boot today? i don’t know. even if it could boot, it would take quite the convoluted procedure to get the data from that machine to a modern machine. The shortest path would be:
- load the data to a floppy.
- find a newer computer, which i don’t have, that still has a floppy but with ethernet capabilities. network it to an even newer computer, which i don’t have.
- make sure it has the right version of network software and i could finally transfer it to my current machine.
see, only three step. though, my syquest drive that would work on the mac plus was a massive 40 mb or storage. knowing my computer usage at the time, only a small portion of that would be dedicated to data. furthermore, does anyone remember wordperfect? i do. its file format is convoluted which makes it hard to even easily copy the text out of a raw text file. their formatting was inline. if i haven’t looked at it in two decades, how important is the data, anyway?
the office suffers from two main problems:
- i hold on to stuff, thinking, hoping it will be useful to me or someone else at some further date. This goes beyond the office.
- i don’t have a clue of what to do with whatever is in my hands. the anxiety builds quickly. the only way to escape it, is to get what ever out of my hands. it gets added to the pile of unknowns.
If you remember advanced algebra at all, and equation of so many unknowns needs at least that many equations to solve for the unknowns. the pile contains a lot of unknowns and will require many more equations just to solve it.
of course the analogy between my office and my mind, are frighteningly similar.
- i keep hold of stuff, hoping that those thoughts or experiences might help me or someone else some time in the future. most of the time, they just weigh me down.
- I have something in my life that i have no clue how to handle. i find my pile and add it there. slowly the anxiety abates but the residual remains. perhaps, adding it to the pile is a good short term solution, but not so for the long term.
where do i go from here? first, what has writing this done to me? as i wrote this i could begin to feel the anxiety build. the anxiety has increased to such a level that a knot of fear has taken up residence in my pit of my stomach.
fear? what fear? three rear the ugly heads; the fear that i’ll get rid of something i’ll need next week, the fear i won’t do it perfectly (perfectionism on a pile of stuff, jees), and the fear that like so many times before, i would not be able to complete it (fear of failure). enumerated the fears only made the knot a little tighter.
i guess i’ll make the decision to move forward like george mallory did and attempt to climb my mountain. hopefully my outcome ends up a little better than mallory’s. mr. mallory attempted his summit of mt. everest in 1929. evidence found in 1999, the photos on his camera, show he succeeded in summiting his mountain. unfortunately, he succumbed to the brutal conditions on his descent.