i may seem a little checked out right now. to some degree i have.
firstly, i’ve been fighting the idea that i am facing dysthymia, a chronic moderate depression. while far off the lows from my last depression, i am no where near to where i was before. i had smaller depressive variations throughout and for the last few weeks, i’ve been leading the wrong way. that sucks! click to find out more
where did that come from
why did that arrive
when it things like that happen
it’s a little less enjoyable trying to survive
i asked the question of where and why
the answer eludes me
i just can’t grasp it
like that damn pesky fly
i pondered since then
and i’ve come up empty
i still look for that person
who bruised my left and right shin
events since then had been packed pretty tight
with something going on morning noon or night
sunday night was my first time to breathe
maybe that’s why i felt such a tight squeeze
so do i know a reason for the despicable moment
perhaps something else hides in life’s jellied filled donut
all i want is this feeling to go away
remove this new cloud with plenty of gray
i lay with him while his breathe did struggled
my emotions only got pulled then tuggled
he look so much like a goner
it cause my heart to harden like a honer
sure i see him cross from here
but i can’t seem to shake the feeling of not having him there
the path from here is certain
this i must do
keep looking in all trade show booth
in search of the pesky ole fountain of youth
the other day i wrote a post frightened. it did not register even a read. maybe it was because i forget to stick in my more tag, so people could read the whole post in email, or in the archive. maybe it was wordpress’s less than solid reader counter system. maybe people had real fear about frightened so they stayed away. Continue reading
frightened v. to fill with fear or alarm
why would i be frightened? jimmy, by far and away the best dog i had, respiration rate has shot up. Continue reading
here a a few picturesof the boyz, jimmy and sherlock, from Mary and i’s recent trip to snoqualimie falls.
Mary & i do not have children. that doesn’t mean that the day isn’t eagerly awaited by the boyz. the excitement start to build as soon as the presents start to come out. here’s a picture of our tree before present opening.
that’s a strange place, you may say. let me explain.
every year, their auntie sends them gifts. one year. we already placed the dog gifts up from previous dog gift experiences. one year, we thought we’d let them open their gifts. how cute. after a couple of years we came home with some of auntie’s gifts to us, open. ah, the presents were guilty by association as they shipped with dog treats. more presents moved to the top of the entertainment center.
all seemed quiet for a couple of years. then…we came home to non-associated presents ripped open. what? the association with dog treats didn’t exists. we figured our boyz had been introduced to a drug, had it taken away and had to find a source. they were hooked. they needed their fix in whatever way they could. hence, all presents now live on top of the entertainment center.
that’s not to say the christmas is a bore. they still get to open their presents.
they even help open our gifts.
here’s a video of the aftermath.
you may say, but i see some big pieces of paper in that video. yea, they have acquired a decerning taste. some paper just doesn’t pass muster. they know good paper from bad paper, or put another way, god drugs from bad drugs.
i close with my wish for you, a christmas full of gift not done up in ribbons and bows, gifts to big to hold, not a thing except in your heart.
well, if you want to call it a dream, more like a nightmare.
Mary and i came home to jimmy not being home. in a dream, mind you. thankfully, this time, unlike last time, it wasn’t my fault. he had been gone 2-3 days.
Mary, not unexpectedly and justifiably, acted hysterical. I tried to calm her down just enough to lay out a plan of how we would go about, hopefully getting him back. I woke up.
it’s 3:00 am. the dream felt so real, it broke the dream wake barrier. the knot of fear resides in my gut. it’s a tight and persistent one. it’s not real, it’s not real, i try to convince myself to no avail.
i decided to make life real. jimmy had set up residence on the floor last night. i went and got him, returned to bed. “see, it’s not real, it’s not real,” trying yet again to convince myself. i tried to be logical with myself, “how could he be lost and you are holding him?” the fear continued to grip me.
next, i turned to acceptance. “this is fear. it’s not a monster. it’s just trying to tell me that i fear a life without jimmy since he is the best dog in the world! it’s just fear, it’s just fear. don’t be afraid of it, don’t run from it,” i say trying to convince myself. the knot shows it first sign of loosening, but it still has a dead grip on my night.
it is now 7:00 am. jimmy lays next to me with his head resting on my thigh. Mary lay on the other side of jimmy checking out facebook. sherlock rests on the floor next to the bed.* me? I still feel the knot of fear in my gut. i almost got it to loosen enough to get back to sleep, but that didn’t happen. the day lays in front of me, a guess with a little less sleep. hopefully the knot of fear will let got; it isn’t real.
* no, it’s not an injustice that jimmy can come on the bed and sherlock can’t. sherlock had a bad back, a mind of his own, and needs to change position every half hour or so. maybe he’ll jump down one of those times and hurt his back. then the entire family feels miserable, hoping that we are able to convalesce him back to health.
it’s kinda cool, every time I’ve used our new gate it has automatically closed… until yesterday.
i moved our yard waste bin from the backyard and expected it to close. I sent the boyz out at noon and they came right back in. They wanted to go out at 2:00 and I let them. I checked after ten minutes to make sure they were staying out of mischief. The first thing i saw was the open gate. the next thing I saw was no dogs in the yard.