Monthly Archives: October 2014

fall on the way to kendall catwalk

a fellow co–journeyer leaves the nest

it brings me great joy to talk about a success story.
i have followed the path of a co–journeyer, lindsey,  a friend since i started attending a support group nearly a year ago.  her story sounded ugly.  as she started her journey with bipolar and living with her parents, about all she could do is stay in bed. that and tell her mom to, “fuck off!”, whenever mom came in the room. slowly she progressed. soon, she could leave her room for a shower and then return to her comfy confines. that’s all. those were the early lores.
i met her in the dbsa group in snohomish county.  i saw her as a feisty, head strong, young woman. when i met her, her travels snaked through the sometimes laborious process of dialing in the meds.  this med’s not working, this med’s causing a third arm to grow along with other potential side effects.
slowly she got those dailed in and a new woman began to emerge like a butterfly emerging from a cacoon. i remember one meeting in particular. the group discussed the potential of starting a teen age group. i turned to her and said,” hey, that would be a great group for you. she turned to me and with the greatest righteous indignation said, “i’m 23!”  i guess i know her age now. 🙂
last week at group, she announced that she and a friend were planning to move to another part of the state. she showed great, nearly unbridled excitement.
that night, a saw her greatest growth. as i meandered, post meeting, after a particularly crappy week, she approached me.  she asked, “how’s it going?” i replied, “it’s not.”  she answered, “yah, i could tell. i could see it in your face.” we went on to discuss the happenings of my week. she listened with a empathic ear, shining brightly, bringing me some comfort if only for a glorious moment. her journey had past a huge milestone.
lindsey’s travels had started in a bed, unable to get out, unable to let people in. from there she grew, learning about her triggers, her needs in life and what it would take for her to make a healthy life.  on that night, she burst open like a flower on the day of full maturity. she not only recognized someone else’s struggles, she reached out to help and found a way to offer comfort.
another week has passed. this week, i sadly heard her say that this would be her last meeting. i have grown found of lindsey.  her story is an inspiration to me and portal for me to look through on what my life could be.  you better come back on a regular bases like you said you would or i will hunt you down.  :^)
lindsey has begun to share her journey. her blog can be found at iNsiDe a mAniC dePrEssIve MiNd | this is my mind, these are my thoughts, this is how i cope, this is how i thrive, squirrel. stop on by and check out her journey.
another view of the tatoosh range

life as a fear junkie

imagine, if you will, a white fluffy bunny minding its own business in the freshly fallen snow. suddenly, he hears the distinct sound of a grey wolf coming up behind him. he makes a dash for it, hopping just as fast as he can. heart rate up, respiration up, blood pressure up among a whole list of bodily changes.   if he is lucky the wolf will break off pursuit in minutes. imagine if the pursuit didn’t break off not in hours, days, months or years. all the while the rabbit is on high alert, muscles working continuously, adrenalin coursing through its veins. the rabbit would be exhausted. and even though the wolf doesn’t  get him, his insides would be torn up from the continual stress from being on such high alert for so long.


people who constantly live in fear aren’t much better off. they are afraid of doing the wrong thing. they are afraid of doing the right thing. they are  afraid of trying. they are afraid of failing. they are  afraid of not being accepted. they are  afraid of bein loved. they are afraid of the end of the world, whether by catastrophe or simply fading away. they are afraid of losing their connections. they are afraid of making more. they are afraid of losing everything. they are afraid of getting all their heart desires for fear of not knowing what to do with it.

each one of these fear fires off a new shot of adrenalin and puts the body on high alert. and like the bunny who has runs for years, the body sits ravaged by a constant heighten state of fear. soon the body stops working at peak efficiency. systems begin to shut down.

maybe if i can stay in a near vegetative state, i don’t have to worry about all these fears.  i can leave it all behind. i can pretend like it’s not there. i hope for a ferry to pass by, wave their magic wand and make it all go away. merlin? are you there?  unfortunately, when i wake up, the wolf, all of my fears, are still there chomping at my heals.

what hope does a fear junkie hold? what can they hold out for? how can they be free  of this constant and continuous struggle? if i had the answer, i might win a nobel peace prize or something like that.  instead i still run, looking to be free of the fear that not only rules and runs my life but ruins it, too.