clouds and sunlight

down the rabbit hole

down the rabbit hole

i don’t really want to write. why’s that? it a story about how getting a few ducks in row, and how just few incidences can send me scurrying down the rabbit hole. it’s a story i have to tell because i need to get it out of me. kept inside of me, it’ll just fester and get even more ugly. even though i will feel shame telling the story, at least it will be out. i also hope that someone else will read it and benefit from it.

those of you who read my last post, know that my wife has 1x1x2 mass near her knee. think of about 1/3 of a length a regular size plump hot dog. she got the results of the mri less than three days ago. it had scary words like suspicious and liposarcoma, sarcoma meaning cancer.

mri can only look for typical patterns. just because a pattern matches doesn’t mean it “matches”. For instance, i could give you one of 100 cards with shades of green. just because i gave you one of the cards, doesn’t make it a certainty that I gave you the true green. they all look green, but there’s only one true green.

just because Mary’s mass looks like a liposarcoma doesn’t mean it is. if may be green, but not the true green. it still is very possible that even though it looks like a liposarcoma doesn’t make it liposarcoma. mri are still too imprecise.

the next day, we took as a day of distraction. we went for a sunrise hike on a local trail, went to a movies in the afternoon and took advantage of coupon our real estate friend gave us and went to dinner. We had a pretty good day, having a good and fun time at each undertaking.

then, came the next day. i came face to face with my nemesises fear, doubt, uncertainty, sadness, disappointment, just to name a few. yesterday, they kicked my ass. that started a tailspin.

the tail spin continued in a weird way.

i was passing on some math riddles to a friend with a degree in mathematics. I passed the on for fun and entertainment. my friend felt lest than because they couldn’t figure out the riddles. I didn’t like that what I did troubled my friend. i quicker felt less that myself, feeling responsible for my friends struggle. all too quicker, i called myself a “loser”. it seemed like a huge leap but pointed to inherent instability.

and who would of thought things would get worse…

taking my nightly med, i stared down the openings of a vial to one of my meds. knowing the fatal dose, i made note that there wasn’t enough there.

nothing like that for a wake up call. not, but a week ago, things weren’t perfect but nowhere near unbearable. last night i contemplated my life.

that’s a precipitous fall in a very short time, in just a day, really. It also served as a wakeup called. It was face these feelings, no matter how scary or face the alternative of them controlling me.

I spent a lot of time conversing with friends, and getting real with myself. i gave name too the scary feelings. i talked about them. i talk about my precipitous fall. i talked about where I didn’t want to be. that day sucked but far less that the previous day’s suck.

sure, i still feel fear, doubt, uncertainty, sadness, disappointment, and the anguish of waiting. now, i choose to look them in the eye and not run from them. thankfully and for reasons not completely understandable to me, that process robs them of their power.

please remember my relearned lesson that i’ve had to relearn over and over again: running for emotions makes no sense. escaping from them is an i possibility. stop, and look those scary emotions in their eyes. they are likely to flinch before you do.

reflections off the water

my wife’s mri results

hello,

i wanted you to know that my wife got back some results back from an mri last night and there is at least some cause for concern. not much is known right now, but this is what I know.

my wife has a mass about 1x1x2 near her knee. it was found by an astute pt. the mass is “suspicious” in nature. it could be what is called a liposarcoma or cancer contained with a fatty mass.

we are, no doubt, scared but hopeful. my wife’s sister had something very similar and it ended up to be a mass of baby fat. thankfully my wife sleeps peacefully next to me as i tap this out about 5:30 am, tuesday morning.

a needle biopsy is next and currently not scheduled since we got the results about 8:00 pm monday night. i will update you when there is more news.

keep us in your thoughts and prayers,

thanks.

picking the optimum watermelon 🍉

(i’ve been rather constipated with writing lately. this is an attempt with a little laxative to get things moving again. without further ado…)

i’ve been buying watermelon for years. it’s been hit or miss for about the same length of time. sure, they’ve all been green on the outside and red on the inside. every watermelon i picked had the proper texture but most had a bland taste.

i knew that there had to we a better way. i consulted with one of the oracles of the internet, youtube, and as usual, i discovered a wealth of information. here are my 4 1/2 guidelines, used in order, to get the best watermelon possible.

1. yellow patch- i hope it comes as no surprise that watermelons grow on the ground. the patch is were the watermelon touches the ground. when watermelons are left to ripen on the vine, the patch turns yellow. when the watermelon has a white patch, it didn’t quite finish the ripening process. if there is no well defined patch, again, the watermelon didn’t finish ripening. when not left on the vine to ripen, sugar does not get a chance to set in to the fruit.
2. dark green- pick a dark green watermelon. look for forest green or even darker. some times a comparison may not be enough. the darkest green watermelon in the patch still may be not dark enough. the dark green color, again, helps to insure the sugar has set into the fruit.
3. round, not long- did you know that there are male and female watermelons? just like in real life, with a few exception like >>me!<<, the female is sweeter than the male. females or round and males are more elongated. go with the round females to gets better sugar content.
4. vein stripe-age- there are alternating colored veins on the watermelon. get veins that are uniform in shape and texture. sorry, i don’t have a reason for that other than that’s what youtube told me.
4 1/2. thumping-as watermelons ripen, they accumulate more water. the more water and mass in the riper watermelon will have a deeper sound. here’s why i don’t consider this one very viable. thump a small watermelon and will have a higher tone since it doesn’t have as much mass. thump a big watermelon and will have a lower tone since it has more mass. sure, a riper watermelon will have a deeper sound. That means a more ripe smaller watermelon may sound just deep as a less ripe bigger watermelon. for that reason, thumping is a comparative thing. compare two melons about the same size for tone and ripeness, otherwise your result may be inconsistent.

that’s it. follow these four and a half simple guidelines and you’ll end up with a sweeter and more tasty watermelon. I find about one in twenty watermelon fit the above criterion. since starting using these guidelines, i haven’t brought home a bland tasteless watermelon, yet.

clouds and sunlight

yoda-wise beyond his years

do…or do not

yoda utters these words to luke skywalker when he was attempting to raise his x-wing fighter out of the swamp. (there is the final part of the line i cut out, “there is no try.” for the purpose of this post, it is not necessary.) yoda spoke to luke about taking action or staying on the sidelines. the in between leads too much struggle and loss of energy. maybe yoda was wise beyond his 900 years. Continue reading

a little bird sitting on a branch

happy-sad-confused

I got another call from one of my nowmoms, ava, yesterday. I couldn’t take it as I was in a movie with Mary. she left a message which i listened to later. the message was full of things that i have come to expect from her: love, comfort, acceptance and care.

another sign of her love and care is she is making these calls at my request. i am falling into a isolative state. when that happens, i need regular reminders that there are people outside my shell that still care. her calls have been like clockwork, creating an uplift for me.

that makes me happy.

that has created the inevitable reminders of what i got from my biomom. needless to say, i came up a little short on love, comfort, acceptance and care.

those shortages continue to haunt me and hurt me to this day. i am filled with self-doubt and have a dearth of self love, self acceptance and self compassion.

that makes me sad.

how can someone i’ve known days over a year has offered me more love, comfort, acceptance and care than i felt from my biomom in over forty years?

that leaves me confused.