a turn-hard to the right

in our last episode…i talked about the best i’ve felt in year sthanks to methylfolate. one thing i didn’t mention was a fear that i had that it might stop working. shortly after a move to the positive direction. guess what? my worst fears have been realized, a turn-hard right. Continue reading

reflections off the water

a turn

this a quick rundown on last week’s post. the basics are people who have the mthfr, like me, don’t process enough folic acid. folic acid partly breaks down into methylfolate which is a building block for many neurotransmitters. these neurotransmitters help the cells in the brain communicate. there is pretty good scientific evidence that a shortage of neurotransmitters partly contributes to depression. click here to see by last post and explore this more in depth. read on for the good news

red barn

a mthfr

a few years back, i had a genetic test done. one thing it showed i had the mthfr mutation. that’s not completely surprising since about one in three people have that mutation. if you add some appropriate vowels and consonants in appropriate places, you’ll see what i think of this mutation.
Continue reading

hang in there…a little tree hangs on to a rock

the moms i never had

 i write this with a tear in my eye, a tear of happiness, mind you. my happiness is for the two moms currently in my life, moms that i never had.

i have to back up and give you some background on my biomom. she wanted us kids to learn on our own. that was even obvious at the ripe old age of four. i had just gone through a traumatic event with my sister (click here for the…rest of the story). we where told to stop crying.

it may blow your mind, but i can only remember one meaningful conversation with the woman. we were sitting around the table the week i graduated from college. we were talking about something that i struggled with in high school. i asked her why she didn’t say anything. she replied, “i wanted you to learn on your own.

learning to live on your own in healthy doses leads to independence. unfortunately, when taken to the extreme, isolation follows. that leads to making it hard to ask for help. since i never learned how to ask for help, stuffing in many aspects of life follows, which contributes depression.

that makes for a slippery slope. my slope is genetically greased with chicken fat. that makes the slide even more slippery.

i’m spent many years wandering in the desert since biomom died. then again, i spent most of my life absent of a nurturing mother figure.

i can say i’ve reached the promised land as i now have two nurture-moms. they each are different, but they each feed me. they each treat me how i envision a mom treating me. they support me through my life journey. that’s invaluable. i just have to learn how to unlearn years of isolation so i can be a better son to them.

ava is my first mom i’ll mention. (click here to see her blog. it’s a little sparse right now as she had to start anew.) she calls herself my step-mom but that sells herself short. she has told me she see me as one of my sons.

we met through our blogs. who ever said nothing good ever came out of blogs is dead wrong. i sent her an invite to my 25th anniversary party but she couldn’t get a ticket from texas to seattle on short notice. she was there is spiri,t though.

we have since graduated to phone conversation. each one has been meaningful and packed with advice, but not overbearing advice. every call she says that’s she’s been praying for me or that she will. the little texas drawl makes it seem so sincere.

she’s the reason i was crying at the start of this. we were finishing up a call and she helped me work through a couple of things, unlike biomom ever did. that brought great joy to me being supported the way it was suppose to happen. additional there wasn’t the mention of food or weather, staples of my the meaningless conversations with biomom.

at that point, a second name popped to mind. I call her friend but that sells judy short.

one thing i like about her is the exchange of ideas. yep, in a parent/child relationship i believe in a two way flow of ideas. she teaches me. i teach her.
Continue reading

clouds and sunlight

it is there

you know what i hate about depression?
where ever i go
it is there

as i lie in bed
thinking of facing the day
it is there

as i wonder
what i can accomplish today
it is there

as i try to write
and nothing flows
it is there

as i talk to friends
trying to be a support
it is there

my wife is having a tuff time
dealing with me
and needs to get away
she gets some escape but
it is there

a could go for a walk
in the nearby woods
it is there

i try to escape
or try to hide
it is there

the thought of working
of getting out of my isolated shell
it is there

as the emotions inside
stay right where they are
it is there

as the emotions flow
and i want to cry
it is there

as i see beauty
in the world around me
it is there

as i drive
to head there or here
it is there

as i shop for dinner
for a special meal
it is there

as i go to meetings
getting the support i so need
it is there

as i think of jimmy sitting across the room
and how fortunate that he’s still here
it is there

as i ponder the outcome
with the dermatoigist
it is there

as i thing about what to say
at an upcoming appointment with my arnp
it is there

as i dream
of what might/could be
it is there

as i feel my energy
draining again
it is there

every respiration
in and out
it is there

every heartbeat
thump-thump thump-thump
it is there

from when i wake
to when i sleep
it is there

depression
please go away
i tire of you

purple berries…

i went to my dermatoigist

i spent the usual and customary 15 minutes in the front waiting room. the nurse came and got me. the walk to the exam was a long and winding walk. good thing they had cheese in the examine room, otherwise we mice would have never found it.

next, i had 2 or 3 minutes with the nurse. she asked the standard nurse type questions. she asked to see my neoplasm of uncertain behavior, or as i call it, noub. i showed it to her. she asked if i wanted a gown. i passed. off she went and i waited for the doctor.

The doctor arrived and we spent the first thirty seconds talking about my vibram five fingers shoes. the vibrams are almost always a a point of discussion. i had to wear them once as my formal shoes on a cruise. i forgot my formal shoes.


the doctor asked to see the noub. i hopped on the table and pulled up my shirt. while asking me how long i had the noub, he grabbed and antiseptic wipe. i told him as the wipe went across the back. he showed me the wipe and the noub. this will we anticlimactic. the noub ended up to be a scab. done in under 60 seconds and that’s with 30 seconds talking about my shoes.

don’t you hate when there’s a bunch of worry for no good reason at all?