reflections off the water

if we could all have fathers like this…

this is a recollection of one of my previous boss’ fatherly act.

——

into the wayback machine

the cases of bad parenting are close and nearly no space in between. that makes healthy cases worthy of a recognition. i often share a fathering incidence of yours and it’s about time i personally honor you.

you had set up your tightrope some sunny day at humongous. one of daughters slipped and took the rope up her inner leg. understandably, she cried. you went and comforted her. after she calmed down, you encouraged her to get back on the rope. she did. while she walked the rope you held her hand, stabilizing her recently rocked world.

this is right on so many levels.

  • first, you taught her to try.
  • when she fell, she found comfort in you, not admonished for showing emotions.
  • you encouraged her to try again.
  • you helped to conquer her challenge and gave her confidence for her next challenge she was sure to face.

to see such healthy acts of fathering, it is not difficult to assume this was not an isolated incidence but more of a normal occurrence around the your house.

i hope you recognize how you have helped to set up your daughters for success. i am certain you haven’t performed every fatherly act perfectly, but far closer to the idea than most fathers i have seen. as a matter of fact, for every father like you, i have seen far too many fathers fall far short of the example i saw you set that sunny day. hell, many fathers i see wouldn’t be able to accomplish one of the four above mentioned acts that you did in a matter of five minutes.

for that, i honor you. i don’t minimize your programing prowess with this next statement, but being a loving, caring, supportive father is far more important than any optimization or line of code that you ever wrote.

blue boat getting away?

second life

i had an emdr session not long ago. i dealt with such fun emotions and feelings like loss of identity, being alone, loneliness, unloved; i began to cry.

then, something switched. i began to bawl. this time, they were tears of joy. my mind went to my friends. that’s a foreign idea to me. i never really had friends that really meant anything. now, i have a near double digit of friends that get it and share at a level that i had always desired.

yesterday, i went to a retreat. before i got 10 feet into the door, a friend greeted me with, “i want to sit next to you.” I felt blown away.

that’s my second life. in my first life, i would have sat in the far corner and hoped that no one would sit at my table. The thought of someone actually sitting with me, wouldn’t even cross my mind.

i started to think of all the second life people in my life. how if they were in a similar place, they’d speak of desire to be or sit with me.

as the day went on on i realized the love i see in my friends. if god is love and love is god, i felt closer to my god than i had in a long time.

not long ago, a friend started this cascade. they texted me and asked if I wanted to go to coffee. i had to look behind me and see if they were maybe pointing at someone behind me. Surely, the text had to be miss addressed. No, it wasn’t. i feel wanted and that felt special.

tonight, i had two friends think enough of me to contact me at the end of proverbial rope. that would have unheard in first life. these two are not unique in turning in good times or bad.

if goes with out saying my second life is full of people in which i share my life and in return, they share theirs. These friends give me a sense that i belong. while they can completely take away the pain of being alone and lonely in my first life, they remind me, today, in the here and now that those feeling don’t have to rule the roost, today

blue boat getting away?

flatlanders

in medieval time, there were a group of people called flatlanders. they knew their land, the road to the nearby town or village and the town or village. They didn’t wander far from their world. maybe they knew what they knew and that felt safe. or maybe they feared if they went to far, they’d fall off the edge of the earth. what did they miss by staying safe or by living in fear? what great thing did they miss by not venturing over the next rise? the great explorers knew like pollo, columbus or vespucci. their courage open them up to new spices and whole new worlds.

unfortunately, in today’s seemingly unbounded world, flatlanders still exist.

maybe today’s flatlanders feel safe. they know the world around them and they are comfortable with that world. that world doesn’t give them the necessary sustenance yet it still feels safe. they are hungry. they know of a need to venture out, maybe not to the far east, but at least beyond their comfort zone. they cannot reason to wander beyond the world they know. their safety holds them back.

Maybe today’s flatlanders fear wandering too far, not only afraid of what is beyond the next rise but also falling off their proverbial edge of their world. their fear is like a prison, keeping them caged from what lays just beyond their reach. that fear holds them back and impedes their progress. their fear stands in the way of not only searching for _the_ new world but their new world.

or maybe like me, it’s a combination of safety and fear. Is the safety really safe? Is the fear truly justified? What is lost by living in a seemingly safe and fear free place?

where is the root of courage that lets today’s flatlanders take a step beyond their comfort zone? sure it can be scary but isn’t the discoveries of new spices and new continents worth it?

unhappy with the world i live in, i wonder if that courage exists to challenge my safe world and beat back my fear. i tire of my flatland and wish and hope to find the boldness to not only hold onto my current world i know and have but to also venture out. there is so much more beyond what the eyes can see. i just want to find a way to see it.

clouds and sunlight

down the rabbit hole

down the rabbit hole

i don’t really want to write. why’s that? it a story about how getting a few ducks in row, and how just few incidences can send me scurrying down the rabbit hole. it’s a story i have to tell because i need to get it out of me. kept inside of me, it’ll just fester and get even more ugly. even though i will feel shame telling the story, at least it will be out. i also hope that someone else will read it and benefit from it.

those of you who read my last post, know that my wife has 1x1x2 mass near her knee. think of about 1/3 of a length a regular size plump hot dog. she got the results of the mri less than three days ago. it had scary words like suspicious and liposarcoma, sarcoma meaning cancer.

mri can only look for typical patterns. just because a pattern matches doesn’t mean it “matches”. For instance, i could give you one of 100 cards with shades of green. just because i gave you one of the cards, doesn’t make it a certainty that I gave you the true green. they all look green, but there’s only one true green.

just because Mary’s mass looks like a liposarcoma doesn’t mean it is. if may be green, but not the true green. it still is very possible that even though it looks like a liposarcoma doesn’t make it liposarcoma. mri are still too imprecise.

the next day, we took as a day of distraction. we went for a sunrise hike on a local trail, went to a movies in the afternoon and took advantage of coupon our real estate friend gave us and went to dinner. We had a pretty good day, having a good and fun time at each undertaking.

then, came the next day. i came face to face with my nemesises fear, doubt, uncertainty, sadness, disappointment, just to name a few. yesterday, they kicked my ass. that started a tailspin.

the tail spin continued in a weird way.

i was passing on some math riddles to a friend with a degree in mathematics. I passed the on for fun and entertainment. my friend felt lest than because they couldn’t figure out the riddles. I didn’t like that what I did troubled my friend. i quicker felt less that myself, feeling responsible for my friends struggle. all too quicker, i called myself a “loser”. it seemed like a huge leap but pointed to inherent instability.

and who would of thought things would get worse…

taking my nightly med, i stared down the openings of a vial to one of my meds. knowing the fatal dose, i made note that there wasn’t enough there.

nothing like that for a wake up call. not, but a week ago, things weren’t perfect but nowhere near unbearable. last night i contemplated my life.

that’s a precipitous fall in a very short time, in just a day, really. It also served as a wakeup called. It was face these feelings, no matter how scary or face the alternative of them controlling me.

I spent a lot of time conversing with friends, and getting real with myself. i gave name too the scary feelings. i talked about them. i talk about my precipitous fall. i talked about where I didn’t want to be. that day sucked but far less that the previous day’s suck.

sure, i still feel fear, doubt, uncertainty, sadness, disappointment, and the anguish of waiting. now, i choose to look them in the eye and not run from them. thankfully and for reasons not completely understandable to me, that process robs them of their power.

please remember my relearned lesson that i’ve had to relearn over and over again: running for emotions makes no sense. escaping from them is an i possibility. stop, and look those scary emotions in their eyes. they are likely to flinch before you do.

reflections off the water

my wife’s mri results

hello,

i wanted you to know that my wife got back some results back from an mri last night and there is at least some cause for concern. not much is known right now, but this is what I know.

my wife has a mass about 1x1x2 near her knee. it was found by an astute pt. the mass is “suspicious” in nature. it could be what is called a liposarcoma or cancer contained with a fatty mass.

we are, no doubt, scared but hopeful. my wife’s sister had something very similar and it ended up to be a mass of baby fat. thankfully my wife sleeps peacefully next to me as i tap this out about 5:30 am, tuesday morning.

a needle biopsy is next and currently not scheduled since we got the results about 8:00 pm monday night. i will update you when there is more news.

keep us in your thoughts and prayers,

thanks.