tonight i realize i’m certain that i’m horrible as a depressed person

today Mary, my wife, wanted to make a special dinner in thanksgiving for a wonderful christmas we had. things didn’t go as planned.

the pears at the store weren’t ripe enough to make the dessert she wanted make. she texted me saying saying the house will smell great when i got home. it didn’t. it smelt like something had seriously burnt in the oven. insert foot in mouth, i vocalized that. the rib roast she got, from the butcher no less, turned out to be far less than stellar. at least the brussel sprouts turn out scrumptious. okay, call us weird; we both like brussel sprouts.

tonight, she turned into a true, died in the wool, inconsolable mop monster. she seem incredibly disappointed and sad. though i realize i’m suppose to be there, her mood is an incredible turn off. this will probably last all the way until morning.

compare and contrast to the deep part of my last cycle that lasted about 4 years. instead of day of mopiness, there were 1460 days of mopiness equivalence! that’s a long time of being down and out. it’s also a long time to be around someone who is down and out. no wonder she’d got short with me at times. it’s understandable. she really needs to be put up for sainthood for seeing things through to the other side.

no wonder wonder she took every opportunity to escape the hell hole that is my depression. mopey days that stretch on for far too long.

a quote from carrie fisher

“at times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of.”― carrie fisher, wishful drinking

debbie reynolds and carrie fisher

the boyz christmas

Mary & i do not have children. that doesn’t mean that the day isn’t eagerly awaited by the boyz. the excitement start to build as soon as the presents start to come out. here’s a picture of our tree before present opening.

wait, where’s the presents under the tree? they are here, there on top of the entertainment center.

that’s a strange place, you may say. let me explain.

every year, their auntie sends them gifts. one year. we already placed the dog gifts up from previous dog gift experiences. one year, we thought we’d let them open their gifts. how cute.  after a couple of years we came home with some of auntie’s gifts to us, open. ah, the presents were guilty by association as they shipped with dog treats. more presents moved to the top of the entertainment center.

all seemed quiet for a couple of years. then…we came home to non-associated presents ripped open. what? the association with dog treats didn’t exists. we figured our boyz had been introduced to a drug, had it taken away and had to find a source. they were hooked. they needed their fix in whatever way they could. hence, all presents now live on top of the entertainment center.

that’s not to say the christmas is a bore. they still get to open their presents.

   
they will also wait in eagar anticipation as we  open our presents.

they even help open our gifts.

why? the love shread paper down to the size of a deck of cards. their work isn’t done until then.

here’s a video of the aftermath.

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you may say, but i see some big pieces of paper in that video. yea, they have acquired a decerning taste. some paper just doesn’t pass muster. they know good paper from bad paper, or put another way, god drugs from bad drugs.

i close with my wish for you, a christmas full of gift not done up in ribbons and bows, gifts to big to hold, not a thing except in your heart. 

a chance to see what the world would be like without you

what if you could be like george bailey
a chance to see what the world would be like without you
have to ever been tempted
tempted by magic or witchcraft to find out
to find how the world would change without you?

for george
the town’s a wreck
the town’s name has been changed to not protect the guilty
a druggist a town bum
the friends he came to rely on…changed or gone
his wife how an old maid
a brother lost as a child in an icy pool
a transport of soldiers destroyed
many soldiers die

clarence the angel speaks his worlds of wisdom

each man touches so many other lives

george’s saving grace…zuzu’s petals
finally one up the crotchety mrs. potter
sam wainwright not such a pita after all…more of a savior
long live the bailey savings and loan
a gorgeous wife
three loving kid
one who plays a mean piano one with petals another who spells as well as i

a toast to my big brother, george
the richest man in town

what would clarence show to you?what lives have you touched?

the quarter you lent to the man to fill a meter
though running late the woman you let pass in the crosswalk
your best friend from elementary
your biggest nemesis from elementary
your high school math teacher with mutual bouts of torture
your mother – your father
your true love
i’m sure the list is endless
maybe you are the richest man or woman in town

what did clarence say to turn you around?

hope diary

there is the long established gratitude diary. people who write in a gratitude diary usually write about 3 things they are grateful for. this helps them to reframe their life, since they take the time to recognize the often overlooked things they miss or don’t recognize.

gratitudes live primarily in the present or the past. “i am thankful for the blue sky, we have today,” would be an example of a present gratitude. “i am thankful for the gift that i received,” would be an example of a past gratitude. though not as common, future gratitude exists, too, with statements like, “i’m thankful that grandpa is coming to visit.” i see gratitude as a mostly current or looking back convention.

for a book i am working on, i have been exploring hope, what it means and how to express it. i see three primary expressions of hope.

• encouragement: i see encouragement as a work or action that serves to reengage someone’s drive. hope through encouragement comes in the form, “i know you can finish that project of time.” that is a expression of hope, hoping for the timely completion of the project. this is primarily an action of the future.
• acknowledgement: i see an acknowledgement as any statement or action that helps someone feel better about who they are and where they are in the moment. an acknowledgment might be, “i like you were able to put your head down and finish that project.” since acknowledgment are in the moment, they are mainly in the present.
• affirmation: i see affirmation as a positive statement of someone’s qualities , abilities or characteristics. “you  do a really good job with your woodworking.” while a statement of the past or present, the recognized quality, ability or characteristic likely isn’t going away anytime soon. “you have a pretty smile”. hopefully the smile isn’t going away and carried into the future.

so hope is from the far end of the time spectrum as compared to gratitude with overlap. i’ve also observed both with myself and others how depression has the ability to rob both hope and gratitude. the struggles with hope and gratitude are not restricted to people facing depression, but more of a societal problem. many people, me included, have a hard time expressing gratitude or feeling hope. without those, people not only miss the good that has happened to them, but also discount the capabilities toward good they possess.

while gratitude gets a set of importance through the many people who do gratitude diaries, hope doesn’t get the same seat at the table. i would say looking forward carries the same importance as looking back. with that in mind, where are all those hope journals?

my challenge to you: if you do a gratitude journal, i honor you. there’s a little more to be done. let your gratitude diaries serve double duty also noting three of your hopes, whether it’s a hope tomorrow, next week or even next year. if you’ve done either, it’s time to look at the good that has come to you and the capabilities toward good that you have. don’t let the emptiness caused by the lack of hope and gratitude cloud what you have did and what you can do.

so, you up to it? are you ready to recognize the hope and gratitude that is in your life? try it, it may make a world of difference.

a good problem to have

i’ve noticed I’m physically colder this year compared to last. Where t-shirt weather use to be 39°, it is now 45°. i’ve also noticed i’ve thrown on more clothes, sooner as the temperature keeps dropping. Do you think the 30 pounds, 2.1 stones for the brits out there, since this time last year, now weighing less than i did in by junior year in high school might be a contributing factor? i think it’s the layer of insulating fat that i lost.

a good problem to have.