Monthly Archives: September 2015

the path around lake 22

jimmy’s lost, but only in my dreams

well, if you want to call it a dream, more like a nightmare.

imageMary and i came home to jimmy not being home. in a dream, mind you. thankfully, this time, unlike last time,  it wasn’t my fault. he had been gone 2-3 days.

Mary, not unexpectedly and justifiably, acted hysterical. I tried to calm her down just enough to lay out a plan of how we would go about, hopefully getting him back. I woke up.

it’s 3:00 am. the dream felt so real, it broke the dream wake barrier. the knot of fear resides in my gut. it’s a tight and persistent one. it’s not real, it’s not real, i try to convince myself to no avail.

i decided to make life real. jimmy had set up residence on the floor last night. i went and got him, returned to bed. “see, it’s not real, it’s not real,” trying yet again to convince myself. i tried to be logical with myself, “how could he be lost and you are holding him?” the fear continued to grip me.

jimmynext, i turned to acceptance. “this is fear. it’s not a monster. it’s just trying to tell me that i fear a life without jimmy since he is the best dog in the world! it’s just fear, it’s just fear. don’t be afraid of it, don’t run from it,” i say trying to convince myself. the knot shows it first sign of loosening, but it still has a dead grip on my night.

it is now 7:00 am. jimmy lays next to me with his head resting on my thigh. Mary lay on the other side of jimmy checking out facebook. sherlock rests on the floor next to the bed.* me? I still feel the knot of fear in my gut. i almost got it to loosen enough to get back to sleep, but that didn’t happen. the day lays in front of me, a guess with a little less sleep. hopefully the knot of fear will let got; it isn’t real.

* no, it’s not an injustice that jimmy can come on the bed and sherlock can’t. sherlock had a bad back, a mind of his own, and needs to change position every half hour or so. maybe he’ll jump down one of those times and hurt his back. then the entire family feels miserable, hoping that we are able to convalesce him back to health.

reflections off the water

birthday blues

the sunday support group I attend ends on an up note where everyone gets the opportunity to find something good going on in their life. i said tomorrow was my birthday. I said that with utmost sincerity since i really felt joy about celebrating my birthday. this would be the first one in three years that i hadn’t found myself in a living hell. I went to bed with those same feelings. Continue reading

ding dong the witch is dead?

if you are not up date on the happenings with my fence and neighbor, you might be appalled. there has been some further development since then. let me bring you up to date.

i’ve gone to calling my neighbor the wicked witch to the east, with her flock to flying monkeys. she seem to have an innate ability to turn updates and suggestion and supporting information and turn herself in a victim and a martyr and also attack, at the same time.

Continue reading

mt rainier fron kendall catwalk hike

new required coursework

i replied to shrew’s posts on the dishing out of shame.

imageit dawned on me, the quickest way to eliminate shame; make it a requirement that everyone take two quarters of mental disorder. they would have to take living with a mental disorder 101, and 102, if they still didn’t get it, they could successively take living with a mental disorder 201. if still didn’t work, they could move on to the. upper division courses, living with a mental disorder 301 and 401. if they haven’t got it my then, they are a lost cause and probably committed.

the synopsis would include, but not limited to:

  • staying in bed and getting out just in time for significant other to come home, doing virtually nothing
  • tiredness
  • moodiness
  • sleepless nights
  • isolation (the intensity of this would increase as one progressed through the coursework, eventually excluding your family, best of friends and significant others)
  • weekly trips to therapist
  • monthly trips to the psychiatrist
  • monthly trips to the pharmacist to pick up new drugs because
    the last script didn’t work
  • heaps of self-doubt
  • heaps of feeling like something is wrong with oneself
  • despair (the lack of hope would increase as the coursework continued)
    thoughts of taking one’s own live
  • potentially trying to take one’s own life (definitely, upper division course work)
  • thoughts that the one’s own value is less than the dump of crap one did this morning
  • at best, weekly showers
  • making poor decisions about what’s best for oneself (intensity would increase with coursework)
  • a chemical imbalance in the brain
  • a serving of unresolved anger (this would become more prominent as coursework continued)
  • the pressures from the outside world that says, “get over it.”
  • the pressures from inside of oneself that maybe we’re (the royal we, mind you) are making this all up
  • heaps of judgement and disapproval. (this would increase as coursework continued)
  • hearing voices when nobody is around
  • having those voices tell one to do irrational things ( upper division coursework )
  • seeing things that aren’t there
  • paranoia (increasing as continuing through the coursework)
  • thoughts that everyone is working against oneself
  • thoughts of “no one gets it.”
  • a weeklong trip to the local psych ward (upper division coursework)

if you “got it”, you could take a test to show your knowledge in that particular area and potentially move to the next class. then again, maybe one would have to take the class again, in order to simulate the idea of cycles.

maybe that would be enough that ignorant people and society as a whole would pull their f*cking heads out of their ass and stop it with all this stigma-y (there i go again, making up words) bulls*hit.