Category Archives: depression

a little bird sitting on a branch


I got another call from one of my nowmoms, ava, yesterday. I couldn’t take it as I was in a movie with Mary. she left a message which i listened to later. the message was full of things that i have come to expect from her: love, comfort, acceptance and care.

another sign of her love and care is she is making these calls at my request. i am falling into a isolative state. when that happens, i need regular reminders that there are people outside my shell that still care. her calls have been like clockwork, creating an uplift for me.

that makes me happy.

that has created the inevitable reminders of what i got from my biomom. needless to say, i came up a little short on love, comfort, acceptance and care.

those shortages continue to haunt me and hurt me to this day. i am filled with self-doubt and have a dearth of self love, self acceptance and self compassion.

that makes me sad.

how can someone i’ve known days over a year has offered me more love, comfort, acceptance and care than i felt from my biomom in over forty years?

that leaves me confused.

refinding holes in my heart

i wrote this in response to silent pen’s postdance with a limp.

i say that losing anything from a goldfish to a loved one, puts a new hole in your heart proportional to the size of the loss. too often, people try to fill the hole with whatever they find. additionally, it’s not until the hole gets filled with good stuff can the real healing begin.

no matter what attempts are made that hole cannot be perfectly closed. that’s why we might experience a twinge of loss long after the hole has seemingly been filled.

the world would be a better place if we would only fill your hole with good stuff.

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a turn-hard to the right

in our last episode…i talked about the best i’ve felt in year sthanks to methylfolate. one thing i didn’t mention was a fear that i had that it might stop working. shortly after a move to the positive direction. guess what? my worst fears have been realized, a turn-hard right. Continue reading

reflections off the water

a turn

this a quick rundown on last week’s post. the basics are people who have the mthfr, like me, don’t process enough folic acid. folic acid partly breaks down into methylfolate which is a building block for many neurotransmitters. these neurotransmitters help the cells in the brain communicate. there is pretty good scientific evidence that a shortage of neurotransmitters partly contributes to depression. click here to see by last post and explore this more in depth. read on for the good news

red barn

a mthfr

a few years back, i had a genetic test done. one thing it showed i had the mthfr mutation. that’s not completely surprising since about one in three people have that mutation. if you add some appropriate vowels and consonants in appropriate places, you’ll see what i think of this mutation.
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clouds and sunlight

it is there

you know what i hate about depression?
where ever i go
it is there

as i lie in bed
thinking of facing the day
it is there

as i wonder
what i can accomplish today
it is there

as i try to write
and nothing flows
it is there

as i talk to friends
trying to be a support
it is there

my wife is having a tuff time
dealing with me
and needs to get away
she gets some escape but
it is there

a could go for a walk
in the nearby woods
it is there

i try to escape
or try to hide
it is there

the thought of working
of getting out of my isolated shell
it is there

as the emotions inside
stay right where they are
it is there

as the emotions flow
and i want to cry
it is there

as i see beauty
in the world around me
it is there

as i drive
to head there or here
it is there

as i shop for dinner
for a special meal
it is there

as i go to meetings
getting the support i so need
it is there

as i think of jimmy sitting across the room
and how fortunate that he’s still here
it is there

as i ponder the outcome
with the dermatoigist
it is there

as i thing about what to say
at an upcoming appointment with my arnp
it is there

as i dream
of what might/could be
it is there

as i feel my energy
draining again
it is there

every respiration
in and out
it is there

every heartbeat
thump-thump thump-thump
it is there

from when i wake
to when i sleep
it is there

please go away
i tire of you