Category Archives: depression

clouds and sunlight

it is there

you know what i hate about depression?
where ever i go
it is there

as i lie in bed
thinking of facing the day
it is there

as i wonder
what i can accomplish today
it is there

as i try to write
and nothing flows
it is there

as i talk to friends
trying to be a support
it is there

my wife is having a tuff time
dealing with me
and needs to get away
she gets some escape but
it is there

a could go for a walk
in the nearby woods
it is there

i try to escape
or try to hide
it is there

the thought of working
of getting out of my isolated shell
it is there

as the emotions inside
stay right where they are
it is there

as the emotions flow
and i want to cry
it is there

as i see beauty
in the world around me
it is there

as i drive
to head there or here
it is there

as i shop for dinner
for a special meal
it is there

as i go to meetings
getting the support i so need
it is there

as i think of jimmy sitting across the room
and how fortunate that he’s still here
it is there

as i ponder the outcome
with the dermatoigist
it is there

as i thing about what to say
at an upcoming appointment with my arnp
it is there

as i dream
of what might/could be
it is there

as i feel my energy
draining again
it is there

every respiration
in and out
it is there

every heartbeat
thump-thump thump-thump
it is there

from when i wake
to when i sleep
it is there

depression
please go away
i tire of you

purple berries…

i went to my dermatoigist

i spent the usual and customary 15 minutes in the front waiting room. the nurse came and got me. the walk to the exam was a long and winding walk. good thing they had cheese in the examine room, otherwise we mice would have never found it.

next, i had 2 or 3 minutes with the nurse. she asked the standard nurse type questions. she asked to see my neoplasm of uncertain behavior, or as i call it, noub. i showed it to her. she asked if i wanted a gown. i passed. off she went and i waited for the doctor.

The doctor arrived and we spent the first thirty seconds talking about my vibram five fingers shoes. the vibrams are almost always a a point of discussion. i had to wear them once as my formal shoes on a cruise. i forgot my formal shoes.


the doctor asked to see the noub. i hopped on the table and pulled up my shirt. while asking me how long i had the noub, he grabbed and antiseptic wipe. i told him as the wipe went across the back. he showed me the wipe and the noub. this will we anticlimactic. the noub ended up to be a scab. done in under 60 seconds and that’s with 30 seconds talking about my shoes.

don’t you hate when there’s a bunch of worry for no good reason at all?

purple berries…

i’m little checked out

i may seem a little checked out right now. to some degree i have.

firstly, i’ve been fighting the idea that i am facing dysthymia, a chronic moderate depression. while far off the lows from my last depression, i am no where near to where i was before. i had smaller depressive variations throughout and for the last few weeks, i’ve been leading the wrong way. that sucks! click to find out more

the path around lake 22

it’s what didn’t happen

i sat on the couch sunday night
feeling fine as i could be
considering the current state of the wold around me
then out of the blue
it felt like i got knocked down four rungs or two

where did that come from
why did that arrive
when it things like that happen
it’s a little less enjoyable trying to survive

i asked the question of where and why
the answer eludes me
i just can’t grasp it
like that damn pesky fly

i pondered since then
and i’ve come up empty
i still look for that person
who bruised my left and right shin

a thought wandered through my mind
perhaps the reason i find myself in a tight bind
remember last week our adventure with jimmy
maybe that’s what caused my life’s small shimmy

events since then had been packed pretty tight
with something going on morning noon or night
sunday night was my first time to breathe
maybe that’s why i felt such a tight squeeze

so do i know a reason for the despicable moment
perhaps something else hides in life’s jellied filled donut
all i want is this feeling to go away
remove this new cloud with plenty of gray

talking to a friend they done tickled my mind
it really led to quite a big find
it wasn’t so much of what happen to jimmy
instead it’s what didn’t happen to jimmy

i lay with him while his breathe did struggled
my emotions only got pulled then tuggled
he look so much like a goner
it cause my heart to harden like a honer

sure it didn’t happen
jimmy’s still with us
no mess no muss
my heart still feels wacked by a rolling pin

sure i see him cross from here
but i can’t seem to shake the feeling of not having him there

the path from here is certain
this i must do
keep looking in all trade show booth
in search of the pesky ole fountain of youth

red barn

what is it about fear?

the other day i wrote a post frightened. it did not register even a read. maybe it was because i forget to stick in my more tag, so people could read the whole post in email, or in the archive. maybe it was wordpress’s less than solid reader counter system. maybe people had real fear about frightened so they stayed away. Continue reading

bird in the reeds

somewhere between heaven and hell

so, so you think you can tell
heaven from hell…

roger/gilmour waters

i’ve seen my heaven and i’ve seen my hell. heaven occupied much of my early life, before my long and deep depression. sure, the golden streets didn’t exist and i didn’t really need them. things seldom seemed to go as planed, but as the story goes, that’s life. i could find at least some satisfaction in what i did and what i had become. sure, i had my depressive struggles, but I for the most part could manage.

Continue reading