second life

i had an emdr session not long ago. i dealt with such fun emotions and feelings like loss of identity, being alone, loneliness, unloved; i began to cry.

then, something switched. i began to bawl. this time, they were tears of joy. my mind went to my friends. that’s a foreign idea to me. i never really had friends that really meant anything. now, i have a near double digit of friends that get it and share at a level that i had always desired.

yesterday, i went to a retreat. before i got 10 feet into the door, a friend greeted me with, “i want to sit next to you.” I felt blown away.

that’s my second life. in my first life, i would have sat in the far corner and hoped that no one would sit at my table. The thought of someone actually sitting with me, wouldn’t even cross my mind.

i started to think of all the second life people in my life. how if they were in a similar place, they’d speak of desire to be or sit with me.

as the day went on on i realized the love i see in my friends. if god is love and love is god, i felt closer to my god than i had in a long time.

not long ago, a friend started this cascade. they texted me and asked if I wanted to go to coffee. i had to look behind me and see if they were maybe pointing at someone behind me. Surely, the text had to be miss addressed. No, it wasn’t. i feel wanted and that felt special.

tonight, i had two friends think enough of me to contact me at the end of proverbial rope. that would have unheard in first life. these two are not unique in turning in good times or bad.

if goes with out saying my second life is full of people in which i share my life and in return, they share theirs. These friends give me a sense that i belong. while they can completely take away the pain of being alone and lonely in my first life, they remind me, today, in the here and now that those feeling don’t have to rule the roost, today

happy-sad-confused

I got another call from one of my nowmoms, ava, yesterday. I couldn’t take it as I was in a movie with Mary. she left a message which i listened to later. the message was full of things that i have come to expect from her: love, comfort, acceptance and care.

another sign of her love and care is she is making these calls at my request. i am falling into a isolative state. when that happens, i need regular reminders that there are people outside my shell that still care. her calls have been like clockwork, creating an uplift for me.

that makes me happy.

that has created the inevitable reminders of what i got from my biomom. needless to say, i came up a little short on love, comfort, acceptance and care.

those shortages continue to haunt me and hurt me to this day. i am filled with self-doubt and have a dearth of self love, self acceptance and self compassion.

that makes me sad.

how can someone i’ve known days over a year has offered me more love, comfort, acceptance and care than i felt from my biomom in over forty years?

that leaves me confused.

to my real family

i offer you respect and joy.

the bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.

richard bach

it’s what didn’t happen

i sat on the couch sunday night
feeling fine as i could be
considering the current state of the wold around me
then out of the blue
it felt like i got knocked down four rungs or two

where did that come from
why did that arrive
when it things like that happen
it’s a little less enjoyable trying to survive

i asked the question of where and why
the answer eludes me
i just can’t grasp it
like that damn pesky fly

i pondered since then
and i’ve come up empty
i still look for that person
who bruised my left and right shin

a thought wandered through my mind
perhaps the reason i find myself in a tight bind
remember last week our adventure with jimmy
maybe that’s what caused my life’s small shimmy

events since then had been packed pretty tight
with something going on morning noon or night
sunday night was my first time to breathe
maybe that’s why i felt such a tight squeeze

so do i know a reason for the despicable moment
perhaps something else hides in life’s jellied filled donut
all i want is this feeling to go away
remove this new cloud with plenty of gray

talking to a friend they done tickled my mind
it really led to quite a big find
it wasn’t so much of what happen to jimmy
instead it’s what didn’t happen to jimmy

i lay with him while his breathe did struggled
my emotions only got pulled then tuggled
he look so much like a goner
it cause my heart to harden like a honer

sure it didn’t happen
jimmy’s still with us
no mess no muss
my heart still feels wacked by a rolling pin

sure i see him cross from here
but i can’t seem to shake the feeling of not having him there

the path from here is certain
this i must do
keep looking in all trade show booth
in search of the pesky ole fountain of youth

friendship-a special kind of love

as i often do, when i see a new reader like or comment about one of my posts, i go read some of their work. having gotten a like from silent amour. i checked out one of her post. in regrets. she states, “they say that if you truly love someone, you can never really unlove them.”

driving miss daisy

my friend had hip replacement surgery 2 weeks ago
she still is not driving
i offered to drive her to an appointment
i decided to dress up

remember the movie, driving miss daisy?
remember the chauffeur, holk colburn? played my morgan freeman?
i decided to dress up like him, or as close as i could on short notice.