the blog name change

please don’t mind the dust as we finish our reconstruction.

you may have noticed i changed the name of the blog for bipolarsojourner to facing off with the big d. i have a few reasons.

• i don’t have bipolar. my psychiatrist fed me a rushed diagnosis at the end of our first meeting. when i questioned him on our next meeting he said i don’t have bipolar but multiple cycles of depression like i have had experienced are best treated like bipolar.
• i didn’t change the name of the blog at that time; i didn’t want to lose my many  followers (said with a bit of sarcasm considering current numbers and that was about 4 years ago with numbers much lower, about 25).
• maybe i don’t play the game right, but i see other of my blogger friends that have been blogging far less time than me and they have followers numbers nearing or in the thousands. myself, i’m nearing 200 and might make it by june. (wahoo!)
• hoping the facing off with the big d will be a little less scary than having bipolar in the title.
• hoping for more click throughs of people teetering on a visit and snag them at that time.

It will still be the same writing style and hopefully stuff that people find interesting, intriguing, ingrossing(sp)(i wanted the tic tac toe, three i’s in a row),  helpful information. There will the occasional poems and posts about the crazy things the boyz do and why not they are an important part of my life.

 

stick around; there will be much, much more to come!

a quote from carrie fisher

“at times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of.”― carrie fisher, wishful drinking

debbie reynolds and carrie fisher

we have nothing to fear…

don’t be afraid of dying
be afraid of the life unlived…

angus tuck (tuck everlasting)

does depression feed fear or does fear fuel depression?
does it really matter?
are they so tightly inter twined that they are nearly inseparable?
perhaps since birth?

no matter
fear makes it hard to get out of bed
get out of the house
interact with unknown people
try something new
say something that needs to be said
doubts your strengths
give power to your weaknesses
makes its hard to tell the truth
makes it hard to venture outside your comfort zone
go some where you have never been before
rue yesterday
doubt today
dread tomorrow
to boldly go where no one has gone before

fear is like a prison
it is a cold, dark and dank place
why is in so easy to lose the keys
or know how to find the way out

fear is the heavy chains that binds us
the simple task of lifting an arm or moving a leg reminds us
-remind us on how repressive fear can be and
is the chain that binds us and holds us back

fear unchecked
fear unchallenged
fear not taken head on
fear not faced
are the real crimes
acts seemingly so easy
but with out them life seems so hard

If only those things would be easy
life would me easy
and fear could evaporate
and depression would loose its housemate, its bed buddy, its best friend

then
depression would lose so much of its power
it would go shrivel up in the corner where it belongs
and we could be free again
oh to be free again

universal lithium shortage??

did you know the universe is currently experiencing a lithium shortage? to explain why we have to go back to the big bang.

mental disorders and mass shootings

john oliver brings sanity to thr discussion on mental disorders and their connection to mass shootings. did you know that the attempt at improving mental health care goes back to jfk in the early 60’s? i didn’t. crazy.

“Americans are absolutely divorced from nature in a way…”

how much does the dehumanizing behavior of today’s contribute to mental illness? my blog friend shoe1000 shares some thoughts around that.

I Dont Want To Talk About It

“…and that accounts for that drug abuse.”  As I listen to my fellow “recovery” compatriots, I hear the same thing over and over.  We needed at one point in our lives to use our mind to mitigate or dissociate from events that caused us trauma.    This signaled to our mind that it was going to be it’s responsibility to make our lives safe.  Why did we have to do this?  I was talking with my buddy Willem3655 today and we were talking about that there never was an opportunity to go to our elders and tell them how confused, scared and unable to navigate our way through the the confusion and pain we were experiencing  in our life.

I was in a meeting this morning and all of the people attending had long time sobriety.  Yet the topics were shame, fear, confusion and psychological pain.  This is not to…

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my self-care struggle defined

self care struggle—pain

another anxiety

lurks around corners

recently, followers have read about self care struggle and self care struggle-part deux. they had a common theme of self care seemingly going well and as planned yet the results were as if an emotional mine had gone off leaving emotional parts of me here and there.

a fellow co–journeyer leaves the nest

it brings me great joy to talk about a success story.

i have followed the path of a co–journeyer, lindsey,  a friend since i started attending a support group nearly a year ago.  her story sounded ugly.  as she started her journey with bipolar and living with her parents, about all she could do is stay in bed. that and tell her mom to, “fuck off!”, whenever mom came in the room. slowly she progressed. soon, she could leave her room for a shower and then return to her comfy confines. that’s all. those were the early lores.

i met her in the dbsa group in snohomish county.  i saw her as a feisty, head strong, young woman. when i met her, her travels snaked through the sometimes laborious process of dialing in the meds.  this med’s not working, this med’s causing a third arm to grow along with other potential side effects.

slowly she got those dailed in and a new woman began to emerge like a butterfly emerging from a cacoon. i remember one meeting in particular. the group discussed the potential of starting a teen age group. i turned to her and said,” hey, that would be a great group for you. she turned to me and with the greatest righteous indignation said, “i’m 23!”  i guess i know her age now. 🙂

last week at group, she announced that she and a friend were planning to move to another part of the state. she showed great, nearly unbridled excitement.

that night, a saw her greatest growth. as i meandered, post meeting, after a particularly crappy week, she approached me.  she asked, “how’s it going?” i replied, “it’s not.”  she answered, “yah, i could tell. i could see it in your face.” we went on to discuss the happenings of my week. she listened with a empathic ear, shining brightly, bringing me some comfort if only for a glorious moment. her journey had past a huge milestone.

lindsey’s travels had started in a bed, unable to get out, unable to let people in. from there she grew, learning about her triggers, her needs in life and what it would take for her to make a healthy life.  on that night, she burst open like a flower on the day of full maturity. she not only recognized someone else’s struggles, she reached out to help and found a way to offer comfort.

another week has passed. this week, i sadly heard her say that this would be her last meeting. i have grown found of lindsey.  her story is an inspiration to me and portal for me to look through on what my life could be.  you better come back on a regular bases like you said you would or i will hunt you down.  :^)

lindsey has begun to share her journey. her blog can be found at iNsiDe a mAniC dePrEssIve MiNd | this is my mind, these are my thoughts, this is how i cope, this is how i thrive, squirrel. stop on by and check out her journey.

a request of support

hello my friends in the web world,

as you might know, I have recently been diagnosed with a mental disorder, bipolar disorder. i have been through something like ten depressive cycles. i am finally seeing a good psychiatrist who hopefully will get me set up with some medications that will work for me.

societal misperceptions hold me back from freely sharing. if i had cancer, i would likely freely share on my struggles. same goes for a thyroid problem, a heart disease, a kidney or liver problem. that’s because there aren’t societal misconceptions about cancer, thyroid problems, heart disease, a kidney or liver problem; they are a disease, a disorder. let’s face it, mental disorders are that, too; a disease. one in four people struggle with some kind of a mental disorder!

there are problems that go with mental disorders. society has misconceptions about mental disorders. those misconceptions cause people to feel uncomfortable. fears of not being accepted or shunned cause people with mental disorders to “hide”.

it is time for me to try to break through the stigma, to get the support i need and hopefully many others like me. on may 18, i will be participating in a NAMI walk. NAMI is the national alliance of mental  illness. they are a national group set up to advocate and support people, family and friends who struggle with mental disorders. this walk will help to support local NAMI chapters.

i am asking for donations in support of NAMI in the NAMI walk. your donations will go to help support the NAMI organization in snohomish county.  you can make a donations set up at a url just for me at http://namiwalks.nami.org/sojourner.  the website is setup to take cash, checks or credit card donations. if you are unable to give financial support at this time, that’s okay. i would still appreciate it if you could drop by the site and leave me a message of support, an “adda boy”, a “fight the good fight”,  a “good for you”, a “bully for you”, or something else.

additionally if you have any questions about mental disorders, do not be afraid to ask. i may not know all the answers, but i am willing work with the resources i have to hopefully get you an answer.

thanks for your support as i continue my battle,

Mary

“she comes to me when i feeling down
inspires me with out a sound
she touches me, I get turned around”
billy joel

i am fortunate to have Mary. what an angel she is. she loves me, she supports me, she cares about me. most of the time i am unappreciative of those things, but always those three things are self evident.