the unexpected consequences of the gift of an unsolicited solution

there is no doubt that often times an unsolicited solution is well meaning. sometimes an unsolicited solution has unexpected consequences. i want to explore why it can be effective sometimes and yet other times detrimental.

some people see solutions as an opportunity. perhaps the solution is something they haven’t tried or something they have tried before but worth exploring, again. either way, they look forward to their adventure ahead. It is as if they have a shield against shame.

some people see solutions as an opportunity missed, a destructive feeling of, “why didn’t I think of that?” they could see see a suggested solution as something they have tried and they couldn’t quite accomplish. either way they feel like a failure. since they have lost there armor against shame, that feeling of failure drives the shame home.

that clarifies for me why not to give solutions to the person who is likely to see the solution as an opportunity missed. they will likely end up feeling shame.

unfortunately, the solution seekers and givers are prevalent in this world. they think they are doing someone a favor by offering up a solution. that’s perfectly fine if they are talking to a solution seeker. when talking to some one who will see the solution as an opportunity missed, the gift of the solution may appear to be a present with a pretty bow but truthfully it may leave behind a river of shame.

a pretty common difficulty in today’s society is the inability to process shame. that really is no surprise since people have difficulties processing pretty much all emotions. i would think that inability to process shame would be more prevalent with depressed people. the inability to process the shame can contribute to a gloomy feeling, which can widen their pathway downward, which makes the journey to depression even easier.

givers of solutions have to be more aware of the damage their solutions may cause. at the same time, people who see a solution as an opportunity missed have to be easier on theirselves. really it’s for their own good. as a person who sees solutions as an opportunity missed, I know that can be quite the challenge.

if we could all have fathers like this…

this is a recollection of one of my previous boss’ fatherly act.

——

into the wayback machine

the cases of bad parenting are close and nearly no space in between. that makes healthy cases worthy of a recognition. i often share a fathering incidence of yours and it’s about time i personally honor you.

you had set up your tightrope some sunny day at humongous. one of daughters slipped and took the rope up her inner leg. understandably, she cried. you went and comforted her. after she calmed down, you encouraged her to get back on the rope. she did. while she walked the rope you held her hand, stabilizing her recently rocked world.

this is right on so many levels.

• first, you taught her to try.
• when she fell, she found comfort in you, not admonished for showing emotions.
• you encouraged her to try again.
• you helped to conquer her challenge and gave her confidence for her next challenge she was sure to face.

to see such healthy acts of fathering, it is not difficult to assume this was not an isolated incidence but more of a normal occurrence around the your house.

i hope you recognize how you have helped to set up your daughters for success. i am certain you haven’t performed every fatherly act perfectly, but far closer to the idea than most fathers i have seen. as a matter of fact, for every father like you, i have seen far too many fathers fall far short of the example i saw you set that sunny day. hell, many fathers i see wouldn’t be able to accomplish one of the four above mentioned acts that you did in a matter of five minutes.

for that, i honor you. i don’t minimize your programing prowess with this next statement, but being a loving, caring, supportive father is far more important than any optimization or line of code that you ever wrote.