there is no doubt that often times an unsolicited solution is well meaning. sometimes an unsolicited solution has unexpected consequences. i want to explore why it can be effective sometimes and yet other times detrimental.
some people see solutions as an opportunity. perhaps the solution is something they haven’t tried or something they have tried before but worth exploring, again. either way, they look forward to their adventure ahead. It is as if they have a shield against shame.
some people see solutions as an opportunity missed, a destructive feeling of, “why didn’t I think of that?” they could see see a suggested solution as something they have tried and they couldn’t quite accomplish. either way they feel like a failure. since they have lost there armor against shame, that feeling of failure drives the shame home.
that clarifies for me why not to give solutions to the person who is likely to see the solution as an opportunity missed. they will likely end up feeling shame.
unfortunately, the solution seekers and givers are prevalent in this world. they think they are doing someone a favor by offering up a solution. that’s perfectly fine if they are talking to a solution seeker. when talking to some one who will see the solution as an opportunity missed, the gift of the solution may appear to be a present with a pretty bow but truthfully it may leave behind a river of shame.
a pretty common difficulty in today’s society is the inability to process shame. that really is no surprise since people have difficulties processing pretty much all emotions. i would think that inability to process shame would be more prevalent with depressed people. the inability to process the shame can contribute to a gloomy feeling, which can widen their pathway downward, which makes the journey to depression even easier.
givers of solutions have to be more aware of the damage their solutions may cause. at the same time, people who see a solution as an opportunity missed have to be easier on theirselves. really it’s for their own good. as a person who sees solutions as an opportunity missed, I know that can be quite the challenge.