parents always make contributions to their children whether good or bad. These are formative instances with my mom.
imagine begin 4 years old in the garage with your 5 year old sister, with two exits. The first exit , barn style doors are blocked by a car. the other door turn style door lock. one problem, this lock is know to be sticky. Now imagine being stuck in the garage, actively trying to get out and screaming, hoping that mom would hear the. for more that 20 minutes. The problem is for 4 and 5 year old, that feels like an eternity.
now, imagine the sticky lock letting go. two kids burst out of the garage running to the the loving and comforting arms of there. now, imagine the loving comforting arms aren’t there replace by a shivering cold embrace.
moral: in the time of deepest need, the one who brought me into world, may not be there for me.
imagine if you may moving forward some 11 years, a young boy plays in a church basketball league. notice: play is liberally defined since he can somethings execute a lay-up. as lucky happenstance has it the team has a rule where everybody plays in every game.
now being in a game with a team your team usually beats and the time appears to be running down. imagine your butt still on the bench as the clock becomes 0:00. to top it off, my team lost. imagine being distraught and crying joining up with your mother. imagine being virtually alone in the parking and your mom turns to you and sharply admonishes you and tells you to stop crying.
moral: those bring-me-down emotions are not to be expressed but crushed.
magine another time shift , this time 13 years. the young boy has become a young man. he has taken his last final and his graduation is the upcoming weekend. the young man sits around the table with his mother. this is the only meaningful adult conversation between the two of them. discussion flows freely the young man asks his mom why at a particularly troubling time in high school why she didn’t say anything? the mother answered that she want him to learn on his own.
imagine, if you will, the idea independence sounds like a positive trait. Then the realization sinks that he had been always been raised to be independent with little to no direction from almost birth. he wonders if he even had to warm him own bottle. the young men realizes that even the mostly well adjusted child still need direction, sometimes. and if he even qualifies as mostly well adjusted, if not mostly from the I put of his mom or dad.
moral: sometimes independence can be taken to a extreme leading to an unhealthy non-reliance on the people around him. additionally the step for over independence to isolation. isolation will keep the now young man too often locked up in his little box.
there is a bit of an explanation to her independent streak; my mom was raise in the 30’s and 40’s. grampa was a forward thinking man and insisted that all 3 of his daughters get a college education. I can see how an attitude like that might instill an independent spirit.
I can have compassion for my mom. she seemed to be skewed towards the independent side. i am left to wonder that if like me, she got little parental direction. she would have been left to wander with little direction from her mostly guides, her parent. no child deserves to meander in the dessert without some form of life gps. i think that’s sad when that happens.
finally, i get a healthy serving, two or three of self compassion, myself.
a 4 year doesn’t deserve to go through a traumatic event only to be coldly received by the woman who brought him into this world. my 4 year might not have know it, but he felt sadness. i’ll rap him in my arms let him know that i’m there for him not only today but always. i let him talk to him about about his feelings and let him know that they aren’t wrong. as a mater of fact, they yours and perfectly fine. you are fine and loved just the way you are, both or favorable traits and the one judged seemingly unfavorable by others or society as a whole.
i’d let he preteen cry away. his sense of fairness has been shattered. his emotional expression from his lose lead to sadness. i’d help him discover his sadness, be with it and not run from. it’s just an emotion, a visceral reaction, just like all other emotions. i definitely tell his sadness doesn’t have to turned off or tucked away for another time that may or may not come. you are fine and loved just the way your are, both or favorable traits and the one judged seemingly unfavorable by others or society as a whole.
for the 20-something, i let him know that independence is good…to a point. as you are learning in this moment, unbalance can lead to the feeling you are the blind leading the blind, yourself. i’d tell him it sucks to feel a need for direction and not get it, especially from an expected source. i’d wrap him in my arms and let him know that I’m there for him, and if he ever needs help, I will be there to help explore his new life direction. You are fine just the way you are, both or favorable traits and the one judged seemingly unfavorable by others or society as a whole.