refinding holes in my heart

i wrote this in response to silent pen’s postdance with a limp.

i say that losing anything from a goldfish to a loved one, puts a new hole in your heart proportional to the size of the loss. too often, people try to fill the hole with whatever they find. additionally, it’s not until the hole gets filled with good stuff can the real healing begin.

no matter what attempts are made that hole cannot be perfectly closed. that’s why we might experience a twinge of loss long after the hole has seemingly been filled.

the world would be a better place if we would only fill your hole with good stuff.

after writing that, i looked at my heart, at all too many cavities that riddle my well being. it didn’t take long for me to notice the sizable hole that i first realized as of adolescent that only seemed to grow in size at years went by. the hole exists because the feeling of abandonment and that and lack of nurturing at the hands of my mother and father.

as hard as i try, i still find myself attempting to fill that hole with bad stuff. this childhood hole overflows with denial and escape. as much as i pretend the lack of nurturing didn’t happen, i often feel as alone and unlovable as i did then. as much as i try to run from the abandonment, the memories from the childhood pain still feel strong.

sure, i’ve filled that hole with plenty of good stuff; a loving, caring wife; dogs that comfort me and show me unconditional love; friends that care about me and express it often; nature, which shows me it’s unending beauty and immense power; my writing because it allows me to create and get festering shit like this out of my head; and a list i’m sure would go on and on.

no matter how hard i try to fill that hole with the good in my life and try to fill the rest of the hole with the flotsam and jetsam gathered through my life journey, the pain, aloneness, and the unrecognizable feelings of love are still there.

sure, i wish i could find enough good stuff to fill that hole, but it’s a pretty big hole. i think there will always remain some unattached sections that flap in my life’s wind and remind me of the aloneness, pain and lack of love felt i in my youth.

i just wish the hole in my heart didn’t have to be as big as it is and that this whole mess didn’t have to hurt as much as it does.

6 thoughts on “refinding holes in my heart

  1. avaswan

    I think the biggest and most painful holes do come from parents that do not nurture and love their child enough. I understand how you feel since I grew up in similar ways. I want you to know it was no fault of your own, I’ve never know a man as sweet and caring for others as you. But the grief felt from that little child inside us is so very real and hard to fill. I only wish that parents could at some point realize and at least validate the hurt felt from them. I wish as a surrogate mom I could fill it for you, but we both long for our mothers to show us how much we are loved. I am glad you can write about what you you feel and I hope it helps you in some way by doing so. You deserved to be shown love and caring especially since you are a loving and caring man. I send you much love, hugs and caring and I hope you have a great day tomorrow. If you need me I’m here sweetheart!💟🌸💟

    1. bipolarsojourner Post author

      thank you. know that i take no blame for what happened to me, i only get to live with the effects. they suck.

      thank you for the complement and recognition. sometimes it hard to see the good when the weather seems so cloudy.

      i’ve spoken of the importance and the affect of your surrogate motherhood has has on me. never doubt what you do to me and what you mean to me. biomom may be gone, but you do most excellent.

      writing does help. i would be far worse off if writing hadn’t at least loosened me from the chains that so often bind.

      thank you for you kind gesture of a loving hug. i’ve learn long ago that an internet hug can be just as powerful as a physical hug.

      hugs back to you. you too are deserving of them.

      1. avaswan

        I am grateful for your gift of such wonderful writing you do, and happy it helps you too. Well this surrogate mom cares for you and loves being there for you, as you are such a special, sweet guy to all you meet. Thank you for the hugs, they always make things better. I am wishing you a less cloudy days ahead sweetie!💕

  2. swanyriver

    Hi Stephen,

    I have been thinking about what a great friend you are to so many people. I know you have made me a better person just knowing you. I want you to realize how important you are to me and to so many of your friends. I want to fill some of the holes in that sweet heart of yours. I am here for you when you need me, I wondered if you felt like talking one day this week. Let me know if or what day or time you might feel like it. Please don’t ever feel the burden to have to, my feelings and understanding of you are such that you never need to feel pressured. You know I love you as a son and you never need to worry about doing anything you aren’t up to. I just wanted to remind you how special you are to me. I am praying for you sweetheart and hope your evening is good.

    Sending hugs and love,


    On Jun 7, 2017 2:11 PM, “facing off with the big d” wrote:

    > bipolarsojourner posted: “i wrote this in response to silent pen’s > postdance with a limp. i say that losing anything from a goldfish to a > loved one, puts a new hole in your heart proportional to the size of the > loss. too often, people try to fill the hole with whatever they find. ” >

  3. updownflight

    bipolarsojourner, I could relate to so much about what you wrote. Though my mother was nurturing, she left our lives far too early because of cancer. And when she left I was experiencing the worst of my illness.

    My dad is a good man, but is not nurturing. My siblings are also living private lives and we don’t interact as much as I wish we could, for various reasons. I was close to my youngest nephew, but as you might have read he took his own life over a week ago. I do have huge holes in my heart, too.

    Yes, let’s do keep writing. In fact, my psychologist said that’s what I should definitely do during this hard time.

    I wish you the best and hope you will eventually fill those holes more with the love and support you do have and fulfillment from things like writing.

    On a side note, I’d like to tell you that I’ve nominated your blog for the Sunshine Bloggers award. If you would like to accept it, please see my post at


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