i wrote this in response to silent pen’s postdance with a limp.
i say that losing anything from a goldfish to a loved one, puts a new hole in your heart proportional to the size of the loss. too often, people try to fill the hole with whatever they find. additionally, it’s not until the hole gets filled with good stuff can the real healing begin.
no matter what attempts are made that hole cannot be perfectly closed. that’s why we might experience a twinge of loss long after the hole has seemingly been filled.
the world would be a better place if we would only fill your hole with good stuff.
after writing that, i looked at my heart, at all too many cavities that riddle my well being. it didn’t take long for me to notice the sizable hole that i first realized as of adolescent that only seemed to grow in size at years went by. the hole exists because the feeling of abandonment and that and lack of nurturing at the hands of my mother and father.
as hard as i try, i still find myself attempting to fill that hole with bad stuff. this childhood hole overflows with denial and escape. as much as i pretend the lack of nurturing didn’t happen, i often feel as alone and unlovable as i did then. as much as i try to run from the abandonment, the memories from the childhood pain still feel strong.
sure, i’ve filled that hole with plenty of good stuff; a loving, caring wife; dogs that comfort me and show me unconditional love; friends that care about me and express it often; nature, which shows me it’s unending beauty and immense power; my writing because it allows me to create and get festering shit like this out of my head; and a list i’m sure would go on and on.
no matter how hard i try to fill that hole with the good in my life and try to fill the rest of the hole with the flotsam and jetsam gathered through my life journey, the pain, aloneness, and the unrecognizable feelings of love are still there.
sure, i wish i could find enough good stuff to fill that hole, but it’s a pretty big hole. i think there will always remain some unattached sections that flap in my life’s wind and remind me of the aloneness, pain and lack of love felt i in my youth.
i just wish the hole in my heart didn’t have to be as big as it is and that this whole mess didn’t have to hurt as much as it does.