rock in the water

connect the dots

“…Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference…” steve jobs, 2005

that’s the thing about a major depression; it clouds my mind and makes it hard to think. stuff the use to happen without even trying, now become major tasks. important calls that really needed to happen two months ago for my own well being, still remain uncalled. a whole plethora of self care is strewn about like ships on a rocky shore after a major hurricane; it’s all flotsam and jetsam being continuously pounded against the unforgiving shore.

looking back, my dots just seem like a massive jumble of disjointed and discombobulated nebulous mass of something. they almost don’t look like dots. looking forward, if there can be a looking forward while in major depression, it is kind of like 20/400 vision; everything is such a blur to me. nothing seems to be in focus.

and that’s when things are going well. when my depressive life is in on the rocks, looking forward can be a major seemingly unaccomplishable task . the thought runs to there are no dots to look forward to. all hope gets lost. There is no trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever in those moments of hopelessness. questions arise in my head about why even continue if there are no dots. there is no reason to live if there are no dots to potentially look forward to. what was once a unthinkable option, suicide becomes an option.

that’s the challenge for me, and any person in a severe major depression, for that matter; don’t lose hope,  trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever, .  believe that the dots are out there. on a clear night, as i look to the stars, i have to convince myself that the number of dots available to me far out number the stars in the sky. because, “Believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference.

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