red barn

My Bucket List

in the spirit of my blogging friend, keeptheflowers, i’ve decided to put together my bucket list.

i struggle with it on two accounts. firstly, i’m in the middle of my severest depression i’ve ever experienced. while in this deep depression, i’m currently not struggling with any suicidal ideations. so, why even do the list. secondly since i’ve been in depressive states for so long, i really don’t have any life goals or serious bucket list. my current goal is to be breathing at the end of the day. that’s not very bucket like, though. so, here it goes.

My Bucket List

  • for my wife, mary. she sometimes doesn’t fully grasp what’s going on with me, but she hasn’t left me even though i put her through so much crap over the past 12 years. that’s more than half the time we’ve been together! though at times that’s hard for me to recognize, that’s definitely some form of support.
  • for my friends damon, mike, diane, and tom. they continue to support me even though my depressive state sometimes causes me to treat them like crap. i don’t reach out to them, i don’t return calls; i don’t acknowledge their support.
  • for jimmy and sherlock, my dogs. they get lost and confused when i’m gone for 15 minutes. when i return home, they are there too  jump up and excitedly greet me, like i’m a long lost friend. i’m not sure how they would handle me never coming back.
  • for my doctors that provide care for me. they are trying to see me through this malaise.
  • for my unnamed family and friends.
  • cruising to alaska. and also spending some time out in the wilderness there.
  • seeing as many of the natural based national parks as i can. i am currently fixated on the national parks along the rockies.
  • bungee jumping.
  • feeling good again.
  • the mariners winning the world series. oh boy! that could be a long time! :^)
  • breaking down the stigma of mental disorders.

that’s it. it kinda makes me sad that it’s such a short list, to the point of tears. and i don’t cry that often!  i guess that’s what 12 years of episodic depression can do to you. That and being raised in a family of be–ers not do–ers.

2 thoughts on “My Bucket List

  1. laurenemily

    Good for you for doing this – and I definitely cried when I did mine too. it sounds like you do have a lot to live for – especially getting better.

    Reply

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