on sunday, i went to a depression support group in the early pm. in the mid-am, i sent a text to a friend saying, “i’m looking forward to seeing you.” that’s all. nothing more.
in talking to a couple different friends recently, I’ve come to this revelation. the revelation is:
the best path out of depression is self-care.
i shared my first pass of wishing i felt better but i don’t with a friend. she said i had a good use of words. i believe that she selected those words partly in case she had to lower the boom. she, in her usual gentle way picked out some the good she heard.
then, in her usual deft and gentle manner, she suggested that i come at this form another direction, coming from a direction of compassion, this time. by doing that, the chance of Mary hearing and accepting my message I want to send would greatly increase.
initially, i had an internal battle with that idea. i want my cathartic feelings to be expressed; I wanted Mary to experience some of my gentle and subtle rage. but the war quickly ended and i begrudgingly came around to see the value of her point. below, find my second attempt to share with Mary, my current state of being, this time with at least an inkling of compassion.
in my previous post, asking for help to find my blue sky, i asked one of my sister to practice acknowledgments with me. i explained what they were, gave her some examples and share the benefits with her .i got two replies from her. i found them to be disappointing. her replies will be indented; my thought will be out-dented. her two replies came within an hour of each other.
i hate depression. i’m in pretty deep right now. i know because self care is such a struggle. why’s is gotta be so hard? i know i gotta do stuff good for me, but i just can’t seem to do it. these are just some of the good things i’d like to do.
- be open with my wife. that’s just to scary. she might no like where i’m at.
- take a walk every day. my body seems stuck in molasses.
- talk to friends. the phone feels like it weighs 500 pounds.
- avoid sweets. the draw sucks me in like a black hole.
- speak up for my needs. if i’m feeling down, i don’t feel important and my needs don’t feel important to me. i get clear formed thoughts in my head, but they seem to get lost on the way to the mouth.
- take time to build resilience. its easy with something like superbetter.com. there seems to be a mental block to doing that. it’s as i have already lost the battle, so why fight.
- avoid being a victim. it’s so hard to battle from being the role of a victim. in a depressive state though, i feel like brer rabbit playing with tar bunny. stuck.
- avoid isolation. on my deserted island, where i feel so alone, the nearest land seems miles away. why even try.
- get out of the house. it as if all of the doors are locked from the inside. no way out.
i want to get back to a place where these are easy to again. I don’t think that’s to much to ask.