stay alive vs. living

” the mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive but finding something to live for.”

fyodor dostoyensky

okay, don’t take this post as a despondent, driving off the cliff type of post. instead, think of it as someone in search of a real purpose.

depression has a tendency to hold me down by my throat and tell me i have no reason to live. as time goes on and the struggles waxes and wanes, at times, far to often, i find myself believing the trickster. i fall under his trance and begin to believe his lies.

my two best pillars of support

pillars of support

i find true intimacy

today that is rare

people think badness

they try to tear them down, they

say cause depression

to them i say this

efe off! my pillars are strong

offer such support

i hate it when people claim my wellness tools don’t work. worse yet, they make claims that they somehow contribute to my depression!

twice, my counselor has seriously questioned my involvement in my support groups. he wanted to make sure that participating in the groups somehow didn’t contribute to my depression.

this morning, I shared with Mary that one of my blog friends had to change their blog name (you know who you are. 😉) because their boss considered it inappropriate. Mary inquired if following depression blogs somehow contribute to my depression. I felt an immediate reaction of both intense anger and deep sadness.

i say, wtf???!!! somehow, where I find some of my best support contributes to my depression???!!! that’s efeing hilarious!

these two places I can rip off my mask and totally expose the  real me. additionally, judgements come few and far between. other than these two places, i know of no other safe places, not Mary, not my therapist. they each have their own agendas and judgements.

additionally, in my pillars, i see people going to equal depths as they talk about their struggles, their troubled relationships, their struggles at work, their struggles with life and even potentially the thought of taking their own life. people in these two parts of my life expose the real part of their life far better than I see elsewhere in society. the sugar coating doesn’t exist and not only do I appreciate that, but I admire it.

that exposure has a name and it goes by the name of intimacy. I would think that would be a goal that everyone on this planets strived for. people here pull back their mask and expose the real them. that only works because of the respect and empathy of having traveled a similar path. we get each other and that makes it easier to go to depths not experienced by the rest of society.that’s their lose.

so, screw the rest of the world, or at least the people who question the value of my meetings and blog friends. with my two pillars, i get to share and be a part of people’s life like no other place i know. thanks to all of you for sharing intimately and for making this a safe place. I am thankful because here, I  come closest to a true interchange of feelings and a respect for these acts of vulnerability.