refinding holes in my heart

i wrote this in response to silent pen’s postdance with a limp.

i say that losing anything from a goldfish to a loved one, puts a new hole in your heart proportional to the size of the loss. too often, people try to fill the hole with whatever they find. additionally, it’s not until the hole gets filled with good stuff can the real healing begin.

no matter what attempts are made that hole cannot be perfectly closed. that’s why we might experience a twinge of loss long after the hole has seemingly been filled.

the world would be a better place if we would only fill your hole with good stuff.

a sad disconnect

Mary, my wife, is a loving, caring supportive person; that’s a given. she more than anyone, probably more than me, wants me to get through the crap i am going through. she sees the pain i go through everyday and that causes her great pain.

today, i had an aha moment.

Mary  is always willing to offer suggestions, things that might make a difference in my life. she does this because she cares about me, because she loves me, she wants me to get better.

something happens on the way from her caring and loving on the way to my brain. through my twisted hearing, my twisted mind, that loving and caring gets lost. i fear that if i don’t follow through on her suggestions, i will be a little less lovable.

the sad thing is the disconnect does not end there. when i choose not to follow through on her suggestions, she feels unheard, she fells rejected. she must think i don’t care enough to follow through on this suggestion.

the thing is, either both of us or broken or neither of us are broken. we just are where we are.

yet through our own twisted hearing, our own twisted minds we are each able to compound the situation and make things far worse than they have to be.

my wish, my hope: that i can better recognize the acts of love and care, the support that Mary gives me. secondly, i hope that Mary can see that i am as frustrated as she is. that i want to get better. that i’m trying and i can’t do everything. that i hate being in this place.

i feel pain

my good friend had to put his dog down yesterday. i’m in pain.

my good friend, whom i admire, who seemingly is in a solid marital relationship, kicked out her husband yesterday. i’m in pain.