Tag Archives: Mary

blue boat getting away?

the brother i never knew

the brother i never knew – i’m sure i’ve talked about my siblings. and more specifically, brothers, but this brother is different. micheal was born and died almost exactly 7 years to the day of my entry into this world, for obvious reasons, i never got a chance to meet him. on his passing, he got buried with the most basic of children’s headstone. since that day, he was and seldom is ever discussed by my family.

i don’t know if that is weird, but Mary’s family honors the siblings they never had. family celebrations always had a vase of rose with eight roses. six red roses signified the living children and 2 white roses signified the children that had gone before them.

fast-forward some nearly 60 nears. and i found myself smack dab in the middle of my hellacious depressive cycle. i went to a funeral and the internment happened to be at micheal’s cemetery. after the solemn proceedings, my uncle Ed approached me and we went over to micheal’s site. micheal’s cement headstone with his name stamped into it stood in stark contrast to some of the surrounding, nicer marble headstones.

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Ed made a kind and generous offer. he offered to contribute to an updated michael’s headstone if my family contributed to it. i kindly thanked him for the offer and took some pictures so i could explain the options to my siblings.

depression ruled, so days turned to months and i still hadn’t sent and the email to my siblings. you could rightfully say, “how much energy does it take to write and send an email?” there were literally hundreds of times i had composed the email in my head. unfortunately, the pathway from the brain to the keyboard and screen never cleared enough to make it happen. to answer the question from the beginning of the paragraph, “more than i had.” believe me, the many times i thought about the uncompleted request, i felt some combination of bad, sad, and a feeling of letting Ed down. even today, i still struggle with these feelings.

though i still hang around the periphery of depression this story has a happy ending. my uncle Ed took it on his own to purchase the upgraded headstone of his own resources. Ed sounds like a cool dude, huh? well, let me tell you, he is that and then some. oh, the stories i could tell, in a good way mind you.

michael-

(btw, the cemetery didn’t blur out my last name, i did. :^) )

the path around lake 22

jimmy’s lost, but only in my dreams

well, if you want to call it a dream, more like a nightmare.

imageMary and i came home to jimmy not being home. in a dream, mind you. thankfully, this time, unlike last time,  it wasn’t my fault. he had been gone 2-3 days.

Mary, not unexpectedly and justifiably, acted hysterical. I tried to calm her down just enough to lay out a plan of how we would go about, hopefully getting him back. I woke up.

it’s 3:00 am. the dream felt so real, it broke the dream wake barrier. the knot of fear resides in my gut. it’s a tight and persistent one. it’s not real, it’s not real, i try to convince myself to no avail.

i decided to make life real. jimmy had set up residence on the floor last night. i went and got him, returned to bed. “see, it’s not real, it’s not real,” trying yet again to convince myself. i tried to be logical with myself, “how could he be lost and you are holding him?” the fear continued to grip me.

jimmynext, i turned to acceptance. “this is fear. it’s not a monster. it’s just trying to tell me that i fear a life without jimmy since he is the best dog in the world! it’s just fear, it’s just fear. don’t be afraid of it, don’t run from it,” i say trying to convince myself. the knot shows it first sign of loosening, but it still has a dead grip on my night.

it is now 7:00 am. jimmy lays next to me with his head resting on my thigh. Mary lay on the other side of jimmy checking out facebook. sherlock rests on the floor next to the bed.* me? I still feel the knot of fear in my gut. i almost got it to loosen enough to get back to sleep, but that didn’t happen. the day lays in front of me, a guess with a little less sleep. hopefully the knot of fear will let got; it isn’t real.

* no, it’s not an injustice that jimmy can come on the bed and sherlock can’t. sherlock had a bad back, a mind of his own, and needs to change position every half hour or so. maybe he’ll jump down one of those times and hurt his back. then the entire family feels miserable, hoping that we are able to convalesce him back to health.

reflections off the water

we gotta runner here

it’s kinda cool, every time I’ve used our new gate it has automatically closed… until yesterday.

i moved our yard waste bin from the backyard and expected it to close. I sent the boyz out at noon and they came right back in. They wanted to go out at 2:00 and I let them. I checked after ten minutes to make sure they were staying out of mischief. The first thing i saw was the open gate. the next thing I saw was no dogs in the yard.

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mt rainier fron kendall catwalk hike

update-sisterly love

people who have been with me long enough will remember my run-in with my sister.she got upset when i suggested some ways she could help me while countering yet another suggestion for mindfulness. I have nothing against mindfulness, but i offered up other options that I thought would be more helpful and had been working to lift my mood. after brooding over it for a couple of weeks, i ran head-on to the thought of acceptance. almost immediately I got over the butt-headed response she gave.

read on to come current

coming out of a dream only to dream

imagethis happened to me.

really.

i’m not  lying.

Mary and i are trying to plan for a talk we are going to at a nearby hospital. we both had our cars and want to take only one car to the talk. oh, and we find ourselves in different locations. i walk by a row of cubies at work. a mutual friend of ours offers me a ride to the talk. with that, Mary and i would only have one car at the talk and we can swing by and pick up my car afterwards. i inquire on if they are planning to head in that general direction to which they tell me no. i think that would be silly for them to go that far out of their way…

i awake. i check my clock. it reads 5:49. Mary and i lay in bed and begin a discussion…

that’s right, a dream within a dream!

I remember a movie a few years ago. a few people were being trained to insert themselves into other people’s dream. the process required quite a bit of work. in the movie, in order to prevent some dastardly deed, they needed to insert themselves into a dream into a dream into a dream and if i remember correctly, into a another dream. so, they were now three or four dreams deep. well, i’ve got the first insertion without even training.

one down, just another 1 or 2 to go!