numb the dark and you numb the light–update

Face the dark to see the light. It seems counter-intutitive. But the last few days have borne that out for me.

Before Friday, despair ruled my life. It felt far worse than depression. Hope hovered at an all time low. Getting out of bed, took most of the energy I had. Thankfully for Mary, I managed to do that before she got home from work.

Then Friday came. I had a difficult day, first getting flooded, misusing the ultimate threat, running, and finally receiving the request to not come home. That had to be one of the worst days of my life. On Saturday, separation ruled the day as Mary and I stayed apart.

Something happened in those two days; the experiences forced me to face the dark. Darkness seemed to rule the days. Or did it?

The fog o’ despair lifted. The despair that had ruled my life for months had cleared. The light which couldn’t penetrate the fog had become visible. What a rapid and sudden change! and on the back of such horrid events!

I’m not out of the woods, yet. There is still much work to be done. While the despair  has completely cleared, the depression is still there at some level. Thankfully, it seems to be at a level that can be worked it and handled.

My challenge is to continue to keep looking at the dark, so I can continue to see the light. By doing that, I will be able to continue my journey out of the, now, nearly 22 month cycle. (Ug, that’s too long.)

numb the dark and you numb the light

numb the dark and you numb the light

this line is from brené brown a renowned author who writes on vulnerability. the complete paragraph goes like this:

“and numbing vulnerability is especially debilitating because it doesn’t just deaden the pain of our difficult experiences; numbing vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy, belonging, creativity, and empathy. We can’t selectively numb emotion. numb the dark and you numb the light.”

maybe depression is tied up in trying to run away from the dark feelings and emotions that seem to go hand in hand with the big d. additionally it makes sense that depressed people struggle with feelings like love, belonging, joy, creativity and empathy. when stuffing or hiding from the dark feelings, the uplifting feelings get stuffed or lost, too.

it almost seems counter intuitive, face the dark to see the light. using another analogy, if one faces the east at sunset, the dark, and keeps facing that way, sooner or later, the sun will rise, the light.

perhaps victory over depression lies in facing the dark instead of turning from it. I got to say, that sounds both like something to strive for and something that sounds really scary. The dark is the monster I have been running from far to often. And in running from the dark, depression wins.