Tag Archives: lamictal

wintery reflection

driving a way from the wreck of the day…

i recently went  from 50 mg to 100 mg with my lamictal. it is all part of building up to the therapeutic dose of 200 mg. i had two great and wonderful days. i had hope that this would be the beginning of something wonderful. then came the next two days.

they have been crap i tell ya’, efein’ crap. today, i made it out of bed just in time for my wife to get home. more like i got out of bed because my wife got home. i told her  my day had been crappy.

she suggested a walk. i figured that might be good. the thing is, we have a difference of opinions on how to walk jimmy. i walk him untethered with a 10 ft leash. that way if he starts to get away, it’s easier to corral him. i have also ben training him with voice commands. for the most part, does a good job of listening. i don’t feel out if control. this freaks Mary out; she can’t handle it at all. she is afraid jimmy going to run off chasing something or another. he has a history of doing that, but he hasn’t done that while i’ve been working with voice commands.

then, it happened. jimmy took off for some bushes. the long leash worked as planned as Mary caught jimmy before he got to deep into the bushes. she insisted that jimmy be tethered. i walked away.

when i got home, i went for a drive. the drive took me over two mountain passes. the pass has beautiful scenery. after going over the first pass, i went through an agricultural area. i had fields of blooming apple trees on both sides of me. i felt a little peace from the crap of the day.

Mary and i texted back and forth, both of us digging in our heels. i stopped along the way and answered text as i didn’t have my bifocals; it would have been too hard to text and drive through the mountain passes. at one point, i told her what happened with jimmy felt like a cherry on a pile of hot steaming crap. she claimed to understand i had a bad day.

she kept pleading for me to come home. wait a minute. if she understood i had a crappy day, she would have understood why i walked away and why i had to get away. the texts kept coming including,”it’s hard for me to understand why treat me this way. i’ve been there for you. making me worry about the one i love just is not fair. i just don’t feel like i’m good enough. why do i feel like such a failure.”

fuck, i’m having a horrible day and she’s making it about her?

by that time, i had driven two hours from home. so, i had at least another two hours to get home, or so i thought.

though i had nearly ideal weather over the first pass, i got treated to a totally different experience less than 20 miles south on the second pass. even though it is rather late in the spring, i hit a  heavy snow. a chains required condition got called which means all cars must chain up except all wheel drive. good thing i have my all wheel drive subaru; that meant i could continue my drive without the drudgery of putting on chains. the snow kept building as the road got covered with 4-5 inches of snow.

at one point,  i had a car following me looking like they wanted to pass at the first possible chance. about that time, my car broke loose. “steer into the slide.” oh shit! i over corrected. now my car wandered about 45 degrees out of the direction of travel. “steer back the other way. gettin’ back under control.” one more minor correction and i again had the car moving in the direction of travel. not unexpectedly , after that, the car following me dropped back into the slow lane.

being an experienced snow driver, i thought i handled the situation well and went on my merry way. sometimes that stuff happens. the point is knowing what to do when it happens and doing it.

the snow continued to fall. at one point, i passed a fender bender on the side of the road. it’s a common place for such things as it comes just after an entrance from the ski slopes and people coming home get on the road and drive invincibly. they  end up going to fast and crash into the side barrier. in those conditions, there is almost an iron clad guarantee that someone cracks up there. the snow kept falling and hard. i ended up driving over twenty miles in this snow storm. on a good day, the travel would have taken 20 minutes.  but today, it took at least twice that long.

i made it home about 11:15 to a supportive hug from my wife. i’m not sured i wanted it, but i participated. we exchanged pleasantries and went to bed. it is now 1:30 and i find myself tapping this out on my iphone.

i gotta say, i have a new understanding for the people with rapid cycles. if you have never experienced it let me tell you, it sucks! i tell ya’, it sucks. ill take my 4-6 months of depresion any day. this not knowing where ill be tomorrow is hard.

now i have tomorrow to look forward to. Mary has decided to take the day off to support me. after today, i’m not sure i want it. she says she’ll do whatever i want. i don’t think she’ll like the idea of me laying in bed until noon, but if i had my druthers, that’s what i would do. should make for another stress filled day.

joy of joys!

the path around lake 22

followup–trip to the psychiatrist

went to see my psychiatrist yesterday. i get started on lamictal tonight. it is an anticonvulsive medication.

the history on anticonvulsive medications is they were originally developed for seizures people with epilepsy. there were enough people with epilepsy and bipolar. while taking the medication they experienced relief from both their convulsions and bipolar symptoms. when that happened, they also started using the medication for bipolar only with similar success.

it is similar to the story on lithium. in the 1880’s lithium had been primarily used for gout. the belief of the day thought bipolar disorder was gout of the brain. for that reason lithium got prescribed for bipolar disorder. it had great success it treating the symptoms.

as research continued, discoveries separated  gout from bipolar disorder. with that discovery, lithium fell out of favor as a treatment for bipolar disorder. in the 1950’s, the world “rediscovered” lithium success with bipolar disorder and it became the primary medicine for bipolar disorder.

my psychiatrist gave me an article that tracked some 450 patients in europe over decades. it kind of pisses me off on the power of marketing. while antidepressants are pushed big time in todays’s day ant time. the long terms study sows how the antidepressant drugs don’t “cure” depression, they only shorten the cycle. the additional problem arise when antidepressants are continued after recovering from the depression. the drug also shortens the period of time between depressive cycles. antidepressants have great short term success but the longterm study showed time and again how they screw up longterm cycles.

i plan to do a complete writeup on the article later this week.

in the meantime, i am thankful for the psychiatrist i have. he came highly recommended from my gp. also got a strong recommendation from our marriage counselor. He is  the psychiatrist that gets used when all other method seemed to fail. and he also had great record of success.

so, i have hope that my stubborn depression might actually see some control.

see my psychiatrist tomorrow

second visit with my psychiatrist tomorrow. i hope to get more information on bipolar depression. I still know so little.we will be talking medication. likely down to lithium or lamictal. Also, it will be an opportunity to ask questions. mary, my wife will be there, too. it will her an opportunity to ask questions. hopefully, it will be an opportunity for education also. she still lacks information about depression.


i followup tomorrows.