to my real family

i offer you respect and joy.

the bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.

richard bach

the power of hugs

the other day, my blogger friend, shrewed  up, felt for me and my current position in life, sent me an internet hug. even though she’s two time zones away in a totally different country, the hug still felt comforting. it also reminded me that i had fallen out of the practice of giving and receiving hugs. i committed to redouble my efforts.

looking for elusive fulfillment

After reading wish i felt best but I don’t-this time with passion, my friend had the nerve to give a gentle nudge and use my words against me.

…some things that could bring happiness and joy to you. what fills your tank, that helps you from not feeling drained…

the search for joy

hard day today.

you see, it all started some fifty years ago. i came into the world.

fast forward some forty-eight years and i find myself entering what would be my toughest and longest depressive cycle ever.

fast forward  a couple weeks short of another two years as I near the celebration of a half century. unfortunately, depression still reigns and a  pea soup fog blankets my land. it is a thick and ominous haze hiding happiness from my heart. bouts of happiness have been few and far between through my recent journey. that leads to my  biggest fear of the night; there will be a celebration for me and i will feel no joy.

fast forward two weeks; the day of the big celebration arrives. i am anxious and apprehensive wondering what the night holds for me.

the time comes and guests arrive. i didn’t set the guest list. some old stand bys came along with some nice surprises. in the mist of my struggles like wondering if _my_ guest are having a good time and making sure the meat comes off the grill fully cooked, i am able to find joy among friends.

then the last person leaves. the crash begins. though i try to fight it off, i feel strong resentment as i help my wife with some post party clean-up. i feel a brief relief as i slumber the night away. when the brain is in a restful state, it can’t shoot up a stream of uncontrolled emotions.

the morning comes. the now precipitous decline takes off. it’s like a run away train.  quickly i feel much worse than the start of the previous day. soon, i am wondering what people would think if i am not around. i want off this train. i want out of this depression. there is no joy in mudville, or any place for that matter.

THIS SUCKS!