to my real family

i offer you respect and joy.

the bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.

richard bach

a blessing and a curse

through my many years of life and cycles of depression, i have a pretty good grasp on my emotions and feelings. for instance, i can physically recognize five different emotions; furrowed brow-confusion, tight jaw-anger, pursed lips-sadness, tight shoulders-stress, and tight gut- fear. at times that is helpful because the recognition of the physical reaction reminds me of current distressful happenings. on a side note, it sucks to have anger and sadness so close together. there are times i am working through a situation and i can switch between the two emotions on a minute by minute bases.

a reflection on shame

as i reflect on my recent post the choice is yours:guilt or shame, i realize much of my current depressive cycle is tied up in unmet expectations.

i am not the provider that my wife, or me for that matter, wants me to be.

i could not make a go of my first business endeavor.

i isolate because i don’t want to call my friends. perhaps, i have done something wrong and won’t meet, or haven’t met  their expectations.

i am not the brother my family wants me to be. i have seemingly alienated my brothers and sisters with things i have done or said. i am not meeting their or mine own expectations of what a brother should be.

all of this ties me to shame. shame makes the leap from i feel bad to i am bad. that feeling, “i am bad” ties me up and holds be prisoner. the stronger that feeling becomes the stronger the grip of depression becomes. i feel like the walls become thicker and thicker, like there is no way out. i fell like i am in an inescapable place.

That reminds me about the three i’s of depression, but that will have to be another post.

so, my challenge going forward is to explore these expectations. they seem to be the root of my current depressive cycle. perhaps some of these expectations are misguided. perhaps some of them need to be re–explored. perhaps some of them need to be re–adjusted. maybe some of the expectations are now truly unattainable.

i must truly face and hopefully defeat these expectations if i am to have a chance to break from this current depressive cycle.