Tag Archives: fear

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dental crash

i have a long and not so illustrious history with the field of dentistry. the first dentist would drill through the pain. The second believed in shame based dentistry. The third was my only saving grace. The fourth ripped the dental damn out of my mouth with the look of frustration on his face because i was unable communicate through the damn with a partial numb tongue.

1 for 4, that barely keeps me in the big leagues. hopefully, that explains while it has been twenty years since i last saw a dentist. Continue reading

hang in there…a little tree hangs on to a rock

changing the definition of late

i hate dentistry, brought on by 3 out of 4 bad dentist. isn’t the dentyne ad? 3 or 4 dentist recommend dentyne for their patients who chew gum. if not, it’s some where close but reversed. for that reason, it has been about 20 years since i stepped in a dentist office. tomorrow is root canal time. i’ve had one root canal done by the 1 out of 4 dentists who actually knew how to practice dentistry. supposedly i have a good dentist tomorrow. we’ll see. i’m still not looking forward to it.

Mary, knowing of my dental anxiety, announced she is taking the day off tomorrow in support of me. do you think i could put her in the chair instead of me? just asking. that would be great support. wouldn’t improve my mouth, though.

last week, with her statement of support, also made the gleeful declaration, “since i don’t have to go in early i can stay up late! which brings us to tonight.

Mary said she was a little bit tired. that might of been a bit of an under statement. her eyes closed for good at quarter to eight. even though sherlock has been up and down a few times moving between the couch and the floor, there still is no movement.

so, by the power in vested in me by no one in particular, since Mary gleefully wanted to stay up late, and since she was asleep by quarter to eight, i officially change the definition of late to quarter to eight. please adjust your clocks accordingly.

thank you.

note: 3 out of 4 people who appreciate off kilter humor will appreciate this post for the humor that it is. 

clouds and sunlight

coming to terms with the thing that imprison me

have you ever noticed the spinning cycles of depression which seem to be there whether in cycle or not? I surely have.

sadness leads to sadness which leads to even more sadness. sadness seems to become an all encompassing self-fulfilling struggle.

fear leads to fear which leads to even more fear. fear seems to become an all encompassing self-fulfilling struggle.
Continue reading

reflections off the water

we have nothing to fear…

don’t be afraid of dying
be afraid of the life unlived…

angus tuck (tuck everlasting)

does depression feed fear or does fear fuel depression?
does it really matter?
are they so tightly inter twined that they are nearly inseparable?
perhaps since birth?

no matter
fear makes it hard to get out of bed
get out of the house
interact with unknown people
try something new
say something that needs to be said
doubts your strengths
give power to your weaknesses
makes its hard to tell the truth
makes it hard to venture outside your comfort zone
go some where you have never been before
rue yesterday
doubt today
dread tomorrow
to boldly go where no one has gone before

fear is like a prison
it is a cold, dark and dank place
why is in so easy to lose the keys
or know how to find the way out

fear is the heavy chains that binds us
the simple task of lifting an arm or moving a leg reminds us
-remind us on how repressive fear can be and
is the chain that binds us and holds us back

fear unchecked
fear unchallenged
fear not taken head on
fear not faced
are the real crimes
acts seemingly so easy
but with out them life seems so hard

If only those things would be easy
life would me easy
and fear could evaporate
and depression would loose its housemate, its bed buddy, its best friend

then
depression would lose so much of its power
it would go shrivel up in the corner where it belongs
and we could be free again
oh to be free again

blue boat getting away?

living with a discombobulated mind

i don’t know about you, but i consider my list of close friends to be small; easily fitting on one hand or less than one finger, depending on how tight i make my definition. there has been a considerable development this past week and i need to talk.

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clouds and sunlight

my office-my mind

this a picture of my office.

office

how’d it get like this? years of work. There are a number of contributing factors

disorganized/not enough space – i go to put something away and i don’t know what to do with it. if it doesn’t have a place, i’ll just set in down and commit to getting to it later. later never comes.

a dumping grounds- Mary ask me to take care of a pile of stuff. i have no place for it and i am generally not in the mood to make a decision or there is no place for the thing, so i just stow it away in my office.

a mess begets a mess- The room became a mess. I have something to put away. it may even have a place to go where is make some sense. i enter the office. let’s see, if i step over this pile to step over that pile to step over another pile to step over yet another pile, i could put it away. nah, that’s too much effort, i’ll just drop it here.

computer archaeology- did you know the computers and their peripherals get old and outdated? technology which use to work perfectly fine, won’t even hook up to modern day computers. i guess i hold onto it in case there is an emp. perhaps, the older technology will still work. i have a mac plus, with a full mb of memory! it booted at one time. does it boot today? i don’t know. even if it could boot, it would take quite the convoluted procedure to get the data from that machine to a modern machine. The shortest path would be:

  1. load the data to a floppy.
  2.  find a newer computer, which i don’t have, that still has a floppy but with ethernet capabilities. network it to an even newer computer, which i don’t have.
  3. make sure it has the right version of network software and i could finally transfer it to my current machine.

see, only three step. though, my syquest drive that would work on the mac plus was a massive 40 mb or storage. knowing my computer usage at the time, only a small portion of that would be dedicated to data. furthermore, does anyone remember wordperfect? i do. its file format is convoluted which makes it hard to even easily copy the text out of a raw text file. their formatting was inline. if i haven’t looked at it in two decades, how important is the data, anyway?

the office suffers from two main problems:

  1. i hold on to stuff, thinking, hoping it will be useful to me or someone else at some further date. This goes beyond the office.
  2. i don’t have a clue of what to do with whatever is in my hands. the anxiety builds quickly. the only way to escape it, is to get what ever out of my hands. it gets added to the pile of unknowns.

If you remember advanced algebra at all, and equation of so many unknowns needs at least that many equations to solve for the unknowns. the pile contains a lot of unknowns and will require many more equations just to solve it.

of course the analogy between my office and my mind, are frighteningly similar.

  1.  i keep hold of stuff, hoping that those thoughts or experiences might help me or someone else some time in the future. most of the time, they just weigh me down.
  2. I have something in my life that i have no clue how to handle. i find my pile and add it there. slowly the anxiety abates but the residual remains. perhaps, adding it to the pile is a good short term solution, but not so for the long term.

where do i go from here? first, what has writing this done to me? as i wrote this i could begin to feel the anxiety build. the anxiety has increased to such a level that a knot of fear has taken up residence in my pit of my stomach.

fear? what fear? three rear the ugly heads; the fear that i’ll get rid of something i’ll need next week, the fear i won’t do it perfectly (perfectionism on a pile of stuff, jees), and the fear that like so many times before, i would not be able to complete it (fear of failure). enumerated the fears only made the knot a little tighter.

i guess i’ll make the decision to move forward like george mallory did and attempt to climb my mountain. hopefully my outcome ends up a little better than mallory’s. mr. mallory attempted his summit of mt. everest in 1929. evidence found in 1999, the photos on his camera, show he succeeded in summiting his mountain. unfortunately, he succumbed to the brutal conditions on his descent.