as good as it gets?

it’s been quite a journey.

jimmy’s lost, but only in my dreams

well, if you want to call it a dream, more like a nightmare.

Mary and i came home to jimmy not being home. in a dream, mind you. thankfully, this time, unlike last time,  it wasn’t my fault. he had been gone 2-3 days.

Mary, not unexpectedly and justifiably, acted hysterical. I tried to calm her down just enough to lay out a plan of how we would go about, hopefully getting him back. I woke up.

it’s 3:00 am. the dream felt so real, it broke the dream wake barrier. the knot of fear resides in my gut. it’s a tight and persistent one. it’s not real, it’s not real, i try to convince myself to no avail.

i decided to make life real. jimmy had set up residence on the floor last night. i went and got him, returned to bed. “see, it’s not real, it’s not real,” trying yet again to convince myself. i tried to be logical with myself, “how could he be lost and you are holding him?” the fear continued to grip me.

next, i turned to acceptance. “this is fear. it’s not a monster. it’s just trying to tell me that i fear a life without jimmy since he is the best dog in the world! it’s just fear, it’s just fear. don’t be afraid of it, don’t run from it,” i say trying to convince myself. the knot shows it first sign of loosening, but it still has a dead grip on my night.

it is now 7:00 am. jimmy lays next to me with his head resting on my thigh. Mary lay on the other side of jimmy checking out facebook. sherlock rests on the floor next to the bed.* me? I still feel the knot of fear in my gut. i almost got it to loosen enough to get back to sleep, but that didn’t happen. the day lays in front of me, a guess with a little less sleep. hopefully the knot of fear will let got; it isn’t real.

* no, it’s not an injustice that jimmy can come on the bed and sherlock can’t. sherlock had a bad back, a mind of his own, and needs to change position every half hour or so. maybe he’ll jump down one of those times and hurt his back. then the entire family feels miserable, hoping that we are able to convalesce him back to health.

coming out of a dream only to dream

this happened to me.

really.

i’m not  lying.

Mary and i are trying to plan for a talk we are going to at a nearby hospital. we both had our cars and want to take only one car to the talk. oh, and we find ourselves in different locations. i walk by a row of cubies at work. a mutual friend of ours offers me a ride to the talk. with that, Mary and i would only have one car at the talk and we can swing by and pick up my car afterwards. i inquire on if they are planning to head in that general direction to which they tell me no. i think that would be silly for them to go that far out of their way…

i awake. i check my clock. it reads 5:49. Mary and i lay in bed and begin a discussion…

that’s right, a dream within a dream!

I remember a movie a few years ago. a few people were being trained to insert themselves into other people’s dream. the process required quite a bit of work. in the movie, in order to prevent some dastardly deed, they needed to insert themselves into a dream into a dream into a dream and if i remember correctly, into a another dream. so, they were now three or four dreams deep. well, i’ve got the first insertion without even training.

one down, just another 1 or 2 to go!

a nightmare averted, the power lingers

I found myself in a dream state this morning. in the dream, i checked my email in the early morning hours. a new email pops up in my inbox. it came from my primary bank. it has the customary title of,”your password has changed. please contact us if you did not make this change”

and, i didn’t change it!

i have a life i want to live

as i walked by the newspaper stand this morning i saw an usa today  headline for an amanda fox article. it read, “I have a life that i want to live”.

i do to. right now i think she is much closer to achieving that dream than i am.