reflections off the water

my wife’s mri results


i wanted you to know that my wife got back some results back from an mri last night and there is at least some cause for concern. not much is known right now, but this is what I know.

my wife has a mass about 1x1x2 near her knee. it was found by an astute pt. the mass is “suspicious” in nature. it could be what is called a liposarcoma or cancer contained with a fatty mass.

we are, no doubt, scared but hopeful. my wife’s sister had something very similar and it ended up to be a mass of baby fat. thankfully my wife sleeps peacefully next to me as i tap this out about 5:30 am, tuesday morning.

a needle biopsy is next and currently not scheduled since we got the results about 8:00 pm monday night. i will update you when there is more news.

keep us in your thoughts and prayers,


picking the optimum watermelon đźŤ‰

(i’ve been rather constipated with writing lately. this is an attempt with a little laxative to get things moving again. without further ado…)

i’ve been buying watermelon for years. it’s been hit or miss for about the same length of time. sure, they’ve all been green on the outside and red on the inside. every watermelon i picked had the proper texture but most had a bland taste.

i knew that there had to we a better way. i consulted with one of the oracles of the internet, youtube, and as usual, i discovered a wealth of information. here are my 4 1/2 guidelines, used in order, to get the best watermelon possible.

1. yellow patch- i hope it comes as no surprise that watermelons grow on the ground. the patch is were the watermelon touches the ground. when watermelons are left to ripen on the vine, the patch turns yellow. when the watermelon has a white patch, it didn’t quite finish the ripening process. if there is no well defined patch, again, the watermelon didn’t finish ripening. when not left on the vine to ripen, sugar does not get a chance to set in to the fruit.
2. dark green- pick a dark green watermelon. look for forest green or even darker. some times a comparison may not be enough. the darkest green watermelon in the patch still may be not dark enough. the dark green color, again, helps to insure the sugar has set into the fruit.
3. round, not long- did you know that there are male and female watermelons? just like in real life, with a few exception like >>me!<<, the female is sweeter than the male. females or round and males are more elongated. go with the round females to gets better sugar content.
4. vein stripe-age- there are alternating colored veins on the watermelon. get veins that are uniform in shape and texture. sorry, i don’t have a reason for that other than that’s what youtube told me.
4 1/2. thumping-as watermelons ripen, they accumulate more water. the more water and mass in the riper watermelon will have a deeper sound. here’s why i don’t consider this one very viable. thump a small watermelon and will have a higher tone since it doesn’t have as much mass. thump a big watermelon and will have a lower tone since it has more mass. sure, a riper watermelon will have a deeper sound. That means a more ripe smaller watermelon may sound just deep as a less ripe bigger watermelon. for that reason, thumping is a comparative thing. compare two melons about the same size for tone and ripeness, otherwise your result may be inconsistent.

that’s it. follow these four and a half simple guidelines and you’ll end up with a sweeter and more tasty watermelon. I find about one in twenty watermelon fit the above criterion. since starting using these guidelines, i haven’t brought home a bland tasteless watermelon, yet.

clouds and sunlight

yoda-wise beyond his years

do…or do not

yoda utters these words to luke skywalker when he was attempting to raise his x-wing fighter out of the swamp. (there is the final part of the line i cut out, “there is no try.” for the purpose of this post, it is not necessary.) yoda spoke to luke about taking action or staying on the sidelines. the in between leads too much struggle and loss of energy. maybe yoda was wise beyond his 900 years. Continue reading

a little bird sitting on a branch


I got another call from one of my nowmoms, ava, yesterday. I couldn’t take it as I was in a movie with Mary. she left a message which i listened to later. the message was full of things that i have come to expect from her: love, comfort, acceptance and care.

another sign of her love and care is she is making these calls at my request. i am falling into a isolative state. when that happens, i need regular reminders that there are people outside my shell that still care. her calls have been like clockwork, creating an uplift for me.

that makes me happy.

that has created the inevitable reminders of what i got from my biomom. needless to say, i came up a little short on love, comfort, acceptance and care.

those shortages continue to haunt me and hurt me to this day. i am filled with self-doubt and have a dearth of self love, self acceptance and self compassion.

that makes me sad.

how can someone i’ve known days over a year has offered me more love, comfort, acceptance and care than i felt from my biomom in over forty years?

that leaves me confused.

to my real family

i offer you respect and joy.

the bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.

richard bach

refinding holes in my heart

i wrote this in response to silent pen’s postdance with a limp.

i say that losing anything from a goldfish to a loved one, puts a new hole in your heart proportional to the size of the loss. too often, people try to fill the hole with whatever they find. additionally, it’s not until the hole gets filled with good stuff can the real healing begin.

no matter what attempts are made that hole cannot be perfectly closed. that’s why we might experience a twinge of loss long after the hole has seemingly been filled.

the world would be a better place if we would only fill your hole with good stuff.

Continue reading

a turn-hard to the right

in our last episode…i talked about the best i’ve felt in year sthanks to methylfolate. one thing i didn’t mention was a fear that i had that it might stop working. shortly after a move to the positive direction. guess what? my worst fears have been realized, a turn-hard right. Continue reading