my sister invited mary and i down to her place for some winter sports. a kind, generous, gracious, welcoming…sad angry frustrated _betrayed_
in the words of paul harvey, now it’s time for the…rest of the story……page 2.
the second set of emotions are stirred by the very reason i am estranged from my family.
when dad was around, i would spend a couple hours a weekend doing senior tech support over the phone. since i couldn’t point to stuff on the screen, dad would do stuff i didn’t realize he was doing. i asked him what was on the screen now and he’d described what he’d see and i wonder how the hell he got there. most of the time when we were through, my dad would be no closer to a solution.
when my dad died, i felt justified asking for the mac laptop for all the hours i spent on the phone supporting him. dad had promised the mac to my niece which started a skirmish. it was decided we’d vote on it the next day.
two siblings approached me looking for a solution. both were similar; i’d buy my niece a pc laptop and then i get the laptop i wanted.
i approached my niece about it. She didn’t really want to discuss it. As she walked away, she said she didn’t really want the laptop. i told my siblings what happened and figured i had the votes to get the laptop.
the next morning, the family voted. my brother-in-law tallied the results. he asked if people wanted the count. i said no, so i could live in a fantasy world that someone from my family actually supported me. before i could even say no, he announced the results – 5-1.
i was crushed. i had done exactly what i was asked to do, got rebuffed, and neither sibling stood up for me. sad angry frustrated _betrayed_
i thought about immediately leaving town. i didn’t. i was supposed to help with a breakfast the next morning. i called and told my sister i wasn’t going to help and i wasn’t even sure that i would go to the breakfast. i did go to the breakfast. i remember one sibling approaching me. i don’t remember what was discussed as I lived in my emotional stew. i do remember it wasn’t much. after finishing my breakfast, Mary and i promptly left.
from that moment, i have felt estranged from the family. i’m sure resentments have built on both sides since then and i can see the invite as an attempt to move past all that has happened. i guess i haven’t worked through all of the emotional debris. all of this came to a head with the invite. the emotions got further stirred around since one sibling, who i thought would support me with the laptop vote, is coming at christmas time.
as a child, i have very few memories of belonging. it is just an indication of my fucked up, dysfunctional family. I still seek to belong and find belonging and acceptance in the groups i attend. it is sad that i seldom got that sense of belonging as a child and it was only made worse by the betrayal and the estrangement that followed.
most of the time I am at peace with my estrangement. with my life long struggle with wanting to belong, i am sure a sense of belonging with my family would have helped with my general sense belonging.
i just want to belong. i want to be accepted, no matter how broken people see me. i want to be accepted for the good people see in me and additionally for all my warts and short comings. that is so critical to my mental health. oh, to be healthy, again.