a little bird sitting on a branch

happy-sad-confused

I got another call from one of my nowmoms, ava, yesterday. I couldn’t take it as I was in a movie with Mary. she left a message which i listened to later. the message was full of things that i have come to expect from her: love, comfort, acceptance and care.

another sign of her love and care is she is making these calls at my request. i am falling into a isolative state. when that happens, i need regular reminders that there are people outside my shell that still care. her calls have been like clockwork, creating an uplift for me.

that makes me happy.

that has created the inevitable reminders of what i got from my biomom. needless to say, i came up a little short on love, comfort, acceptance and care.

those shortages continue to haunt me and hurt me to this day. i am filled with self-doubt and have a dearth of self love, self acceptance and self compassion.

that makes me sad.

how can someone i’ve known days over a year has offered me more love, comfort, acceptance and care than i felt from my biomom in over forty years?

that leaves me confused.

This entry was posted in checkin, depression, friends, isolation and tagged , , on by .

About bipolarsojourner

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.

6 thoughts on “happy-sad-confused

  1. sklawlor

    Like you, I experience a lot of self-doubt and uncertainty, and though my family wasn’t physically abusive, there was always an emotional distance there. My mom, as I may have told you, suffered from depression when we were kids, and though it likely wasn’t clinical, it had an impact on everything.

    I’m glad you have those kinds of reminders and someone who is there. Have a great rest of the week.

    Reply
    1. bipolarsojourner Post author

      thank you for commiserating with me. in strange way, if feels comforting to know someone else grew up under a nearly, fu-ed and identical momhood as i did.

      also, and more important thanks for the reminder to switch the focus from what i didn’t have to what i do have. sometimes that’s a hard and long shift. the fact that shift takes so long contributes to my depression, ya know, accentuate the negative.

      Reply
  2. swanyriver

    Please know the relationship with your birth mom is not a reflection of you in any way. I know you and I am proud to think of you as my 3rd son! But it is so hard to understand why some parents don’t support us (their children) the way we need. My own mom didn’t support my needs and I still don’t understand why. But I do know this sweetheart we are both loving, good, giving people who deserved to feel loved. And I will love you and support you through your good times or bad times. So don’t be confused because some people just don’t know how to love, whether it was how they were raised or if they have something wrong inside themselves. Hugs sweetie!🌸

    Reply
      1. swanyriver

        Hi, I am praying and hoping you have a better day today. I was wondering if you have taken any of your beautiful pictures lately? You are very talented in so many ways, I am thankful to know you and the wonderful man you are. Have a blessed day you know the Lord is always with you!❤🌸

        Reply
  3. updownflight

    I am happy you’ve found love and support from Ava. Cherish that.

    My mother, who was a very close, loving and supportive parent died 13 years ago when I was beginning the worst stage of my bipolar illness. Initially I was semi close to my dad during the major grieving period, but over the years my dad has created a distance not only between himself and me, but also between himself and my siblings. It is clear to my siblings and I that he gives more time and attention to his girl friend and cronies. He barely gives us the time of day.

    Though I have a strong and loving relationship with my husband, I wish I had a stronger relationship with my dad, but it may never happen.

    Reply

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