i’m little checked out

i may seem a little checked out right now. to some degree i have.

firstly, i’ve been fighting the idea that i am facing dysthymia, a chronic moderate depression. while far off the lows from my last depression, i am no where near to where i was before. i had smaller depressive variations throughout and for the last few weeks, i’ve been leading the wrong way. that sucks!

then came last week with jimmy. seeing his respiration rate go as high as 86 and then refusing to eat, i lost it. fortunately, jimmy is around with congestive heart failure due to his lifelong murmur. with meds, he’s doing much better than he has in months. all is better, right?

last sunday, minding my own business sitting on the couch in the evening, my emotional floor suddenly, dropped out. i’ve had a couple of handfuls of these in my life and they’re aren’t fun.

i searched for a reason why and couldn’t find one. it couldn’t be jimmy, right, because he was right across the room. my search continued.

i talked to friends and jimmy kept coming up. i kept pushing that away, because what more could i ask for; i still had jimmy and he was even improving.

then, i had an aha moment. though jimmy sat across the room, because the happenings of last week, at some emotional level i lost jimmy. it was if my beloved dog had died. at some level, i was grieving my very much alive jimmy.

the paradox of not being here and being here doesn’t make sense and i feel confused at so many levels.

i am not doing much better with this dichotomy on one hand, and still coming to terms with it on the other. that takes a lot of emotional energy and along with the dysthymia has hastened the dropout.

so, it’s not you, but what’s going on with me. i am working on re-engaging and unfortunately, it will take as long as it does. so, if i seem a little more aloof that usual, you know why.

these are pictures of jimmy taken the day before his near death experience. i love them. they speak to the kind soul that is jimmy.

they say the eyes are the windows to a person’s soul. for that reason, i also struggle to look at these pictures because i see the face of a tired old friend. i selfishly hope beyond hope for the existence of the fountain of youth so i can have so much more time with him that i currently have.