mt rainier fron kendall catwalk hike

frightened

frightened v. to fill with fear or alarm

why would i be frightened? jimmy, by far and away the best dog i had, respiration rate  has shot up.

i often will try to match the respiration rates of the beings around me as a way to slow my racing mind as i go to sleep. long ago, i gave up doing that with jimmy. i’d breathe in, hold it , hold it hold it, then breathe out, attempting to match jimmy’s breath. i’d reach a point where i’d have to breathe in for fear of my lips turning blue. his resting respiration rate has to be somewhere around 15 breathes per minutes (bpm).

not last night. as i tried to fall asleep, for about 2 1/2 to 3 hours, listening to his accelerated shallow breathing, i decided to measure his current respiration rate. ugg, 34 breathes in 30 seconds for a respiration rate of 68 bpm. that’s a little, no, a lot, fast.

unfortunately, it is not totally surprising as he has a heart mummer. that’s when a heart valve doesn’t close right, leaving gaps in the valve. as the heart pumps, the blood seeps through the open gaps in the valve. that makes the heart less efficient, so it has to work harder. eventually,  the hearts begins to work so hard, it sends a message to the lungs, work harder. his has been getting worse with time.

to sum it up, jimmy’s busted ticker is becoming a little too busted.

that means i have to really start thinking about life without jimmy, he said, with tears streaming down his face. i don’t want to.

This entry was posted in depression, pain, sadness, the boyz and tagged , , on by .

About bipolarsojourner

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.

3 thoughts on “frightened

  1. Pingback: what is it about fear? | facing off with the big d

    1. bipolarsojourner Post author

      wordpress app is set up if someone reads from the reader, the count isn’t adjusted. i try to remember the tag. everything after the tag requires that someone click off the reader to read the rest of the post. when that happens, counts are adjusted. since i forgot the tag, the post could be completely read from the reader, hence no count adjust.

      you can have your own more tag by <!–more your text here –>

      Reply

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