my friend had a tough time with her sprained ankle. the pain impeded her ability and she self-admitted she was isolating.
it got to the point where she seemed to be coming out of her shell. we even planned to do something together. the next day, she came down with a cold. this ended up to be one of those horizontal colds. you might know about those; it’s a cold where not only is horizontal the preferred position, but it’s the only position. needless to say, our get together got postponed.
i can totally understand her behavior and why she did what she did. though, for me, the whole time felt like a trip on mr. toad’s wild ride. i have grown from her friendship and i regularly freaked out through the whole process, fearing that somehow the future that i envisioned with my new friend would disappear. hope-despair, hope-despair, hope-despair, hope-despair, causes quite the wild ride. i felt like i needed a barf bag.
the good news, and there is good news, Mary and i went to a baseball game with my friend. well, i guess i’d now have to say our friend as Mary and our friend hit it off almost from the very beginning. they have a whole summer full of events lined up.
i’m glad my self-defeatist self did not rule the day. you see, without any real evidence to support it, i half expected a hairy cat fight when Mary and my friend met. fur would fly everywhere, Mary would be mad at me, my friend would evoke the nuclear winter scenario and i’d never see or hear from her again. i pondered why i felt that way.
damn childhood primal wounds. i spent too much time never deserving anything, making due with what i had, pretty much always questioning my self-worth, struggling with if i was worthy of anything. i mean, could i truly be worthy of a good wife and a good friend, especially if they were both females? not only would the answer be no, but the situation would get so screwed up, the answer to both would be the ol’ spiraling out of control.
so, i move forward with a new hope, a good wife and a good friend., for open communication, for understanding, for forgiveness, for support, for a helping spirit, for love, for peace, for friendship, for good times and bad, and for a future of feeling worthy.