great blue heron

frozen (in)

my friend had a tough time with her sprained ankle. the pain impeded her ability and she self-admitted she was isolating.

it got to the point where she seemed to be coming out of her shell. we even planned to do something together. the next day, she came down with a cold. this ended up to be one of those horizontal colds. you might know about those; it’s a cold where not only is horizontal the preferred position, but it’s the only position. needless to say, our get together got postponed.


i can totally understand her behavior and why she did what she did. though, for me, the whole time felt like a trip on mr. toad’s wild ride. i have grown from her friendship and i regularly freaked out through the whole process, fearing that somehow the future that i envisioned with my new friend would disappear. hope-despair, hope-despair, hope-despair, hope-despair, causes quite the wild ride. i felt like i needed a barf bag.

the good news, and there is good news, Mary and i went to a baseball game with my friend. well, i guess i’d now have to say our friend as Mary and our friend hit it off almost from the very beginning. they have a whole summer full of events lined up.

i’m glad my self-defeatist self did not rule the day. you see, without any real evidence to support it, i half expected a hairy cat fight when Mary and my friend met. fur would fly everywhere, Mary would be mad at me, my friend would evoke the nuclear winter scenario and i’d never see or hear from her again. i pondered why i felt that way.

imagedamn childhood primal wounds. i spent too much time never deserving anything, making due with what i had, pretty much always questioning my self-worth, struggling with if i was worthy of anything. i mean, could i truly be worthy of a good wife and a good friend, especially if they were both females? not only would the answer be no, but the situation would get so screwed up, the answer to both would be the ol’ spiraling out of control.

so, i move forward with a new hope, a good wife and a good friend., for open communication, for understanding, for forgiveness, for support, for a helping spirit, for love, for peace, for friendship, for good times and bad, and for a future of feeling worthy.

4 thoughts on “frozen (in)

  1. avaswan

    You are worthy to have a great wife and friend. I am so happy this worked out so well for you. I have gotten uptight many times thinking it’s me, they aren’t responding fast enough. They probably just didn’t have fun etc. and it would be something like circumstances instead. That is exactly what was happening with her. So glad the girls got along so well.

    1. bipolarsojourner Post author

      thanks for the reply. there is too much of the story that has been untold.

      whether it is fun or lack there of (and from what i’ve seen lack of fun is not a problem), or circumstances, i’ve seem what we’ve done for each other. the help has gone both ways. there have many, too many situations to write about, some to private to write about. i throw all of this in the hopper and i can envision a future were we continue help and challenge each other be stronger, better individuals.

      a communications disruption can mean only one thing-invasion.
      star wars (episode 1)

      well, communication disruption meant invasion in star wars, in my world it means doubt, uncertainty, and sadness. the doubt and uncertainty comes from the fear that i’ll be shut-out and sadness from what could have been.

      that’s why the swing of what i’ve seen and could be swinging to that all going away are hard on my insides.

  2. avaswan

    I know what you mean, the fear we get inside of getting hurt again. Since I have lost everything, I understand the feeling of loss. Like when is the rug going to be pulled out beneath me again. But hope is still in me that my life will get better. You have to have hope that things will work out for you. Your being there for each other speaks of caring for each other. Hoping for you a great future.

    1. bipolarsojourner Post author

      I think for me the bigger fear is getting left out. when I run in to someone who is both trusting and trusted, I hate to lose those people. they are too presious.

      you are so right on the importance of hope and you are so fortunate to have hope. have you even faced depression. depression is a puzzle, raped up riddle, all tied together by an enigma. the crazy thing is one of the most important things in getting through depression is hope. one of the first things that gets ripped from someone when entering depression. so, the very thing that is most help is also the thing in least abundance. crazy.

      avaswan, would you mind contacting me off wp? You can do that through the about menu in the web interface. you are good to me because you engage and make me think. in my book, those are good things. the connection would allow for off blog communications. if the answer is no, i’d be totally cool with that and i would continue and look forward to what we are developing on line.


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