i didn’t have the easiest life growing up. there existed one case of physical abuse. that pales in comparison to the emotional abuse perpetrated through the lack of anything close to the unconditional love that would have allowed me to thrive. that lack of love, the message of i’m okay with who and where i am, not only holds me back, it fuels the downward spiral into depression. feeling broken, i lack self-confidence. lacking self-confidence, i don’t try to move on. by not trying, at best i can’t move forward and at worst get sucked into the downward spiral.
all of that creates a lot of pain in my heart. that pain binds me up and leaves me in an inescapable squirm. the ropes that bind me hinder any forward progress, but how can i lose those ropes that bind, lose the anger and resentment?
first towards the object of my eyer, yep, even the very man who couldn’t dole out anything close to unconditional love to me deserves compassion. for reasons unknown to me, he didn’t get the love he needed, certainly not enough to pass it on to the next generation. i find that sad. people, more so my father deserved that love. it his lifetime the anger and resentment held me back, but at least now, i can see even he can and does deserve love.
then there is the much larger struggle with self-compassion. i have developed my idea of love traveling through life. it includes a huge helping of the unattainable unconditional love, of complete acceptance. the message of you’re okay where you are and who you are fell on my ears on a far to0 infrequent basis. that chasm between what i got and the unattainable goal of perfect unconditional love becomes an open pit which makes me pissed, angry and disdainful. i want to be over there living in nirvana, the land of milk and honey and that seems completely unattainable. how can i get there?
self-compassion. since i am not a perfect communicator, there is only one person in my life that can completely understand my perfect love. so, if i am the only person who truly knows my idea love i’m the best source of getting it.
when i too often find myself as the quivering blob in the corner, i can be pissed, angry, and disdainful, i can sit there, stomping my feet screaming, ”i want to be over there.” on the other hand, with the gift of self-compassion, i can choose to wrap myself up in the blanket of the love that i so desire. with each additional wrap, i build a pile, pier, pier cap, beam or girder, building a bridge, moving me closer to that idea love i so desire.
i know my idea love. far too often, i find the gap between where i am today and where i want to be as a seeming unfillable gap. i now recognize that gap doesn’t have to be filled, but can be bridged with self-compassion. by working on the bridge, by using self-compassion, i move myself from the hate i often feel now, and closer to the love i have come to desire.
what keeps you from the love you desire? who is the best earthly source of that desired love?