most dogs, if they would see a cone of shame, would take off with their tail tucked between their legs looking all pathetic. then, there is sherlock.
sherlock gets out of his cone to go to the bathroom, for water and food. those are a little difficult to do while wearing the cone. after that, it’s time to put the cone back on.
i hold up the cone from half a room away. he comes trotting trotting over to me with his tail wagginglike i am about to give him a treat. i lift up the cone and sherlock points his nose skyward. i start to push the cone over his head. he pushes back almost saying, “go ahead. put this on me. it’s kinda fun!”
strange dog. like father, like dog!
facing off with the big d 
Lol. . Cute
LMAO! That’s adorable. As requested talking more about H n less about P 🙂
that makes me glad to see that. I bet that make you glad, too. i am also happy and somewhat jealous to see your h&w interations. i live too much in fear, so I keep too much hidden. i know that’s not healthy, but that’s where I am. that probably contributes to my big d.
sigh.
Yeah that must be a guy thing lol. But last time he kept his feelings hidden, the affair happened. So he learned in therapy that it’s not worth keeping it inside. Still not easy for him but he keeps trying. Once he realized the sky wouldn’t fall n I wouldn’t get mad about his feelings, that helped too.
sorry for the novel. you touched a nerve.
there in lies the rub; you wouldn’t get mad about his feelings. often times, when i bring up bring-me-down emotions, I get hit with a barrage of ways to fix them, “thought about that, considered that, how about that, you should really do that.” my emotions just are; they don’t need to be fixed. because of the attempt to repair what isn’t broken, i suddenly feel broken. feeling broken, on top of a societal norms that bring-me-down emotions are bad and wrong, at least in the society i grew up in (don’t be sad or angry of frustrated), leads to me feeling wrong about my bring-me-down emotions.
yes, i’ve fought my battle for the non-judgmental acceptance of bring-me-down emotions. for a period of time it sticks. then the judgement that bring-me-down emotions are bad or wrong begin to creep back in. i rather not be judged, so i close down. it just feels safer that way.
it’s not just my wife who does this; i run into this with most people in my life; acquaintances, friends, hell, even my counselor does it.
this happens all too frequently in my counseling sessions; i’ll bring up and event that causes a bring-me-down emotions and >boom!< suggestions get made to repair the situation. I'm still on the emotion. i feel like the emotions is what is being repaired. emotions can't be fixed. when the attempted repair of the emotions happens, i feel broken.
i have figuratively beat the crap out of my counselor, over multiple sessions, so they become aware of the judgments they make. it will hold for weeks at a time, then invalidating statements like, "everyone feels that way sometimes, you'll work through it or I'll help you work through it." how about, "you're still okay for having these feelings, having these feelings doesn't mean you're broken, that must suck!" those are all non-judgmental statements that help me to be okay with who i am and where i am.
so, i go through my life not trying to feel broken. every attempted repair of my bring-me-down emotions reminds me that everyone else notices that i am broken. I feel judged because i have a bring-me-down emotion. i feel like crap.
blanket statements about people not sharing as the root of the breakdown of intimacy aren't always true. intimacy requires safety. without it people don't feel like they can safely share maybe because they fear they will be judged. people, including me, reach a point where it's easier not to share. in the process, intimacy breaks down.
so, for safety, I hold feelings in, it just feels safer that way because i feel unjudged. as a result, I get eaten up from the inside out.
Ok but if u have this problem with EVERYONE doesn’t that tell you something? That unfortunately maybe you are being paranoid when u say u feel judged? Yes feelings are neither right nor wrong BUT we can misinterpret things n that leads us to project our own insecurities. Ok um how can anyone ever help you if u mistakenly perceive any advice or suggestion as judgement??? Blanket statements? Critical much? Lol. That’s not a blanket statement. Show me the study that proves that less communication leads to better understanding n happiness in relationships.
this is nothing wrong wanting to lead with tools/suggestions/solutions. there is nothing wrong with wanting to be affirmed/acknowledged/validated. when that happens at the same time, that’s cross support. in that case, needs go unmet and it does not work. show me the study that proves that unmet needs leads to better understanding n happiness in relationships.
So what’s the solution?
two things
1. make an effort to keep support from becoming crossed. if someone like solutions, feed them with solutions. if someone likes affirmations, feed them with affirmation.
2. as I said in another comment somewhere recently, it’s all about balance. i lean heavily towards affirmation/acknowledgment/validation. not every single support attempt needs to be of those types. when i am fed enough with those types of support, not only do i feel more loved, i become more open and accepting of other types of support.
not everyone will have the same balance. for instance, you lean more towards the solution/suggestions/tools side. that’s not a cut, just my observations. additionally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. those types of support help you to feel fed. when you feel fed you also feel more loved. and when you feel loved, you can be more open to other types of supports.
Wow I never realized that about myself. What’s funny is with the men in my life, my Husband, Dad n my brothers? I just want them to listen n not try to fix anything. I don’t even mind if they are zoning out a little but appear to b listening lol.
I do try to validate u since we discussed compliments lol
Hey have u ever just said please just listen and validate my feelings, don’t try to fix me or I feel broken? Oops does me asking that make u feel judged? It’s not my intention.
I don’t feel judged by your response and yes i have asked many multiple times. it works for a while but people fall back into what they know, what is familiar. very few people lead with affirmation/acknowledgement/validation; its unnatural since they learned and know to lead with solutions/suggestions/tools. hell, i even recognize the need for balance and i too often lead with latter set.
i reach a point where i am blue in the face from making the request and i give up and give in. it seemingly takes me too much energy to get my needs met.
in no way do I always need affirmation/acknowledgement/validation. I desire a balance. how do i know I’m in balance? when I can accept the solutions/suggestions/tools in the loving way the messenger intends. too often, though, i feel an imbalance in my life and suggestion come across , at best, as muddled and muddy.
Ok so can you give me an example of how better to meet those needs without causing you to feel even worse? Cause I really don’t want that. 🙂
i know you like to lead with solutions/suggestions/tools. many of your replies begin with have thought about… or this might help… or some other similar wording. that’s what I’ve recognized. additionally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. that is who you are, what you learned and know and what you appears to be your comfort zone.
but, have you even been in a shit of a place and you just want to be, held by a friend/lover/husband? you aren’t looking to get solutions, face any judgements, or answer any questions. you just want to be; be held, be cared for, be comforted, be loved. you just want to be.
that’s where I am.
what feeds most right now are acknowledgments. in my world, an acknowledgment is an action or words that helps someone, in the moment, feels oaky with who they are and where they are. these are a bunch of actions i pulled together at one time. on words, it looks like I have to extract something from a book i’m currently stalled on. I’ll try to pull together something for that in the next week on acknowledging words.
these actions helps an acknowledgment/affirmation/validation based person feel better about themselves. do that enough, and they will feel better about themselves which might lead to them becoming emboldened to doing crazy and unbelievable things.
that’s where i am. I want/need to be okay again with who i am and where i am. i want to feel emboldened again and do crazy and amazing things. because where i am in my depressive cycle, i’m a loooong way away from that.
Oh yes I remember needing to be held a lot when I’m in that place! I still do. But it’s been a while since I’ve been where you are for that long. So please forgive if I have inadvertently made you feel worse.
I am sending you a huge long hug my friend. You are a wonderful, kind and funny man. You aren’t broken or crazy, and you have done nothing at all to deserve this pain.
thanks for the apology. thanks for trying to do better. i appreciate both of them. it suck feeling as low as I do, it really sucks.
Yes it really, truly does. So like my H says hugs are free! Lol Hugs n night xoxo
thanks for the hug. scientific research has shown internet can be as effective as regular hugs. well, maybe not, but I find them effective. yours last night and screwed up introduced me to the power of internet hugs.
Lol anytime! Hugs are free heehee