blue boat getting away?

is hate to strong of a word?

sometimes i really hate the chemical processes that goes on in my grey matter. let me explain.

i received training and now co-facilitate a nami connection group. these groups are set up specifically for people who face some kind of mental disorder so they can get together and discuss their issues as it relates to their disorder. i have been facilitating for about a month.

last night, after a meeting, someone i admire and respect, who is also a facilitator came up and spoke to me. he understands his disorder well and can go deep, but often likes to keep things light. with undoubted sincerity he said, “i really like the way you run the meetings.”

needless to say, getting such recognition from someone i admire and respect made me feel jacked! and after only my fourth meeting. for some reason, which i hope would be obvious to even the most casual observer, i had an extra lilt in my step. my case of lilt was so severe, i took it to bed.

imagethis morning, i awoke to that same batch of lilt, just as strong as ever.

then, something happened. don’t ask me how, but the chemical processes in my grey matter went totally and completely askew. my lilt got trounced and mugged by self-doubt and fear. the change over didn’t happen gradually; the self-doubt and fear did not creep in but arrived with a vengeance. it was as if a light switch got turn off. don’t ask me why but, as quickly as the candle of goodness got lit last night, it got snuffed out this morning. darkness seemingly ruled, yet again.

i don’t get it. why couldn’t I hold on to that good feeling for, oh, at least a day? why the hell did it disappear and why did it have to do it so rapidly? it makes me question the fairness of life.

i’d offer up some slightly used grey matter on craigslist or ebay but i don’t think other people deserve to experience this loss of feeling good that seems to hobble me and my life. not even my enemies deserve it. if other people don’t deserve it, why does in hang like an albatross around my neck? sigh.

17 thoughts on “is hate to strong of a word?

  1. loricarlson66

    I can totally relate. I cannot seem to hang on to a happy moment for more than a couple of hours either… it is so frustrating! Thanks for writing this!

      1. loricarlson66

        *nods* those are my nanosecond turn-arounds… I wish this illness was easier to deal with

  2. Rellick

    I’m here via “The Rattling Bones Re-Blog. I can’t relate to this only that I have supported my wife’s depression over fifteen years now and will support her to the end of my time. I pray you find peace in your life. Will return often to read your blog.

    1. bipolarsojourner Post author

      i’ve never met you or your wife. i do want to express my appreciation of your support of your wife. spousal support sometimes seems to be the only thing be depression and insanity. keep of the good work!


    Oh yes, the Albatross–know it well, though my diagnosis may be different. Trying to hold onto “good feelings” can be sweaty work, and exhausting. I’m sorry for your affliction–will keep you in my prayers.

  4. emmagc75

    I don’t normally hate anything, but I hate that this crappy disease takes ur happy away!!! What kind of thoughts of self-doubt occurred? Have u ever considered CBT??

    1. bipolarsojourner Post author

      I have. it almost single-handedly brought me out of my last depression. and like just like everything else in this cycle, it pretty much had no effect.

        1. bipolarsojourner Post author

          i have.

          on the negative side:

          1. one friend got 9 months of relief followed by 6 months of relief. that seems pretty short considering what goes in the treatments.
          2. another friend didn’t even get 6 days of relief.
          3. another friend got severely over treated and lost years of memory.
          4. person in 2 couldn’t even tell me where her sister lived after 10 treatments even though see lived in a nearby town.
          5. 1 in 4 get no relief.
          6. the muscle relaxers are often not completely effective for the treatment ending in raging headaches. the muscle relaxers are to minimize muscle contraction. my friend had intense headaches coming out of every treatment along with a sore jaw. my conjecture? her muscles were still contracting enough to create a sore jaw and also a severe tension headache.
          7. it’s about $1000 a pop, give or take, at least in my area.

          on the side

          1. i might get better.

          the balance seems out of balance.


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