sometimes i really hate the chemical processes that goes on in my grey matter. let me explain.
i received training and now co-facilitate a nami connection group. these groups are set up specifically for people who face some kind of mental disorder so they can get together and discuss their issues as it relates to their disorder. i have been facilitating for about a month.
last night, after a meeting, someone i admire and respect, who is also a facilitator came up and spoke to me. he understands his disorder well and can go deep, but often likes to keep things light. with undoubted sincerity he said, “i really like the way you run the meetings.”
needless to say, getting such recognition from someone i admire and respect made me feel jacked! and after only my fourth meeting. for some reason, which i hope would be obvious to even the most casual observer, i had an extra lilt in my step. my case of lilt was so severe, i took it to bed.
then, something happened. don’t ask me how, but the chemical processes in my grey matter went totally and completely askew. my lilt got trounced and mugged by self-doubt and fear. the change over didn’t happen gradually; the self-doubt and fear did not creep in but arrived with a vengeance. it was as if a light switch got turn off. don’t ask me why but, as quickly as the candle of goodness got lit last night, it got snuffed out this morning. darkness seemingly ruled, yet again.
i don’t get it. why couldn’t I hold on to that good feeling for, oh, at least a day? why the hell did it disappear and why did it have to do it so rapidly? it makes me question the fairness of life.
i’d offer up some slightly used grey matter on craigslist or ebay but i don’t think other people deserve to experience this loss of feeling good that seems to hobble me and my life. not even my enemies deserve it. if other people don’t deserve it, why does in hang like an albatross around my neck? sigh.