wishing i felt better but i don’t—this time with some compassion

i shared my first pass of wishing i felt better but i don’t with a friend. she said i had a good use of words. i believe that she selected those words partly in case she had to lower the boom. she, in her usual gentle way picked out some the good she heard.

then, in her usual deft and gentle manner, she suggested that i come at this form another direction, coming from a direction of compassion, this time. by doing that, the chance of Mary hearing and accepting my message I want to send would greatly increase.

initially, i had an internal battle with that idea. i want my cathartic feelings to be expressed; I wanted Mary to experience some of my gentle and subtle rage. but the war quickly ended and i begrudgingly came around to see the value of her point. below, find my second attempt to share with Mary, my current state of being, this time with at least an inkling of compassion.

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dear Mary,

i don’t have to tell you that depression sucks. i also don’t have to tell you that living with someone who has depression also sucks.

the process of taking care of someone you love that also struggles, causes a certain amount of pain. it can be difficult to see a loved one in pain and you wish you could take it all a way. since you care so much for them, you only want the best for them. as a matter of fact, you’d do just about anything to take the pain away.

sometimes when that pain becomes to great, it becomes too easy to get wrapped up in your loved one’s problems. mow, not only do they struggle, you struggle, too. often this struggle will get picked back up by your loved one. this shared, but disjointed struggle only puts additional stress and strain on the relationship.

keep in mind, if you did not cause your loved ones’s pain, you are not responsible for struggle. as hard as this can be, make this a freeing observation. by doing this, you may think you are loving your loved one less, but you are actually loving them more. you become the very model of self care that they can apply to their life.

self care is a good thing!

i challenge you to be the model of self care I so desperately need. while the kids at work feed you, the politics of work act as a drag. then, you turn around and come home to me, worrying about what state you’ll find me. the home life becomes draining, too. you do not find have a way be fed. if that goes on for too long, your tank ends up being drained. that benefits neither you nor I.

so, I ask you, what feeds you? What are some things that could bring happiness and joy to you, that fills your tank, that helps you from not feeling so drained? in what ways can you model the self care to me I so desperately need. how can you love yourself so you can better love me. make it a priority, which means, at times, it becomes more important than everything else.

i really do want to get better. at this time, it may not seem like it, but i do. my heart may be beating, but i don’t feel like I am living. i need a leader who Ian set a positive example on taking care on oneself. you will not only feel better, but you will pull me along. i ask of you, no, i beg of you to show me some compassion and be that model of self care i so desperately need. will you help me? i sure hope so.