blue boat getting away?

wishing i felt better, but i don’t

Mary finds herself going through her you gotta get better stages. this is a cathartic note about the situation. kevin is a reference to my brother who recently went through a bout of cancer.
 ———————————–
i wonder if kevin faced questions like, aren’t you done with that cancer, all you have to do is do this and you’ll be all better, don’t you think this cancer has gone on long enough? if only you worked a little harder you wouldn’t have this cancer. you know, this cancer is a little like an addiction.

he probably didn’t, but i have heard these all to frequently in my journey through this depressive cycle. what’s the difference between kevin and i? he’s the lucky one, he had cancer, while i am burdened with a mental disorder.
imagei would hope that i can have the same graces my brother got. why not? they are both major, traumatic and life altering. one isn’t any less or more than the other.
recently you have implied that i’ve gotten use to, enjoyed or even become addicted to laying in bed until all hours of the morning. maybe all i need is a swift kick in the ass and i’ll be flying through life, again. if only it were that easy, i would have been over this cycle long ago.
maybe i could just action myself through this depression. only if that were true. this cycle would have ended as soon as it began.
so and so did this and that got them through their depression. let’s face it; depression is not only as unique as the individual, but also the cycle. recall that my longest cycle up until now had been 6 months and the shortest less than four months. speaking from my own personal experience, i can say the severity of this cycle is heads and shoulders over all my previous cycles.
you also doubt the idea of a silver bullet, a med change that becomes the catalyst to a better life. i know of at least three people who have seen life altering results by getting on the right medication, and if i asked around, i’m sure i’d find more.
know that depression sucks. depression isn’t something i choose but something that i have. know that i realize that for every day this depression goes on, it not only takes from the present, it robs from the future. fun and easy would not be words i’d use to describe depression.
i also understand that you have been deeply effected by my goings on. i realize i have dragged you through some nasty shit. you truly don’t deserve that. i wish i could find a way to take all the pain and grief that i have cause you, that i knew some magical incantation that would, >>poof<<, take it all away. i apologize and feel sorrow because i don’t.
i know you tire of my depression for what it does to me and to you. know that i hate it, too. i wish i could give you a completion day to this cycle or even a significantly better date. i have no crystal ball.
 i marvel how you have stood by me through it all. you don’t deserve what my depression and i have done to you. at the same time, i could completely understand you throwing your hands up in despair.
so, the choice is yours, continue to stick through it with me or cut ties. i sure hope for the first because i love and care about you. on the other hand, i’d understand the second. this has gone on for so long and has to be wearing..
This entry was posted in checkin, depression, Mary and tagged , , on by .

About bipolarsojourner

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.

3 thoughts on “wishing i felt better, but i don’t

  1. indigo stones

    Feeling complete sympathy and understanding. You expressed well many of the thoughts and feelings I had. Hang in there, my friend, after 15 years of struggling, I have been pretty dad gum depression-free for the past 2 years. There is hope.

    Reply
  2. Pingback: wishing i felt better but i don’t—this time with some compassion | bipolarsojourner

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