and so the story goes…

my brief experiment with bupropion at 450mg has come to an end. sigh.

this experiment actually started a year ago. i started out on 300 mg and bupropion which seemed ineffective. next the bupropion got bumped to 600mg. i don’t remember the cost/benefit analysis to be very good. for that reason, i headed back down to 300mg.

then, it happen. i experienced five days of bliss, of nirvana. i felt depression free! i felt like i could live and function like a normal, everyday human being. well, as normal as i can be. 🙂 but as indicated above, i soon returned to my living, breathing hell that has defined this depressive cycle.

fast forward a year. working with a new arnp, i wondered if i could try something between 300mg and 600mg so i might regain the experience i had a year ago. i could then perhaps get a footing to escape from this depressive cycle.

we discussed it, and decided to try 450mg. almost immediately, i experienced my mood lifting, a rock solid emotional life, and decreased impulsively.

this time, bad came with the good, in the form of continual ear ringing and a constant and intense headache. the headache alone just above wiped out any positive effects since it became difficult to think.

then, it happened. after being on this dose for just a little over a month, the pain that had defined my headache, jumped a notch or two. this felt truly debilitating. the headache begrudgingly loosened its grip and the headache returned to its previous still massively annoying state.

in the process, i got robbed. my mood decreased. not as low as the depressive lows, but still very noticeable. my impulsivity return. for example, I had to have a candy bar any time i entered a grocery store. i just couldn’t stop myself. i seemed to initially hold on to the emotional stability, but eventually even that waxed and waned.

the cost/benefit analysis has definitely change for the worst. so much so, this ends this chapter to chemically repair this depressive cycle using bupropion at 450mg. sigh. it held so great promise.

i really don’t want to return to the glum this depressive cycle has gifted me. i think and fear that my return to that black hole waits just around the corner, oooooh, in about five days, just like last year.

where does my journey take me from here? who knows. i told my prescriber that this isn’t working any more. she shot me a list of alternatives. i shot back some thoughts of my own. even though, in the past, ssri’s seemingly worked, only to stop working, i’m open to exploring those again. if they make sense.

i have hope some magical pill will drop out of this process. perhaps, somehow the new, slightly off silver bullet will magically work and allow me to improve just enough to get my shit together. here’s to getting better by some means, way or form.