this week, i have had a question of my own mortality rolling around in my head. no, not i plan to find a tall bridge, more of a long term outlook. ya see, i had my annual physical this week and my cholesterol came back high. being a good modern doctor, she pushed statin drugs. do i take them or not? the question arises, why?
why yes in deed. extend my life so i can live through another depressive cycle or two? i have seven depressive cycle or there abouts, so far. research has shown that successive cycles tend to get longer and worse.
let’s see, this cycle has lasted longer than two years. for a month and a half I was mentally comatose. i’d be at my therapist office and he’d start our time as it often gets started, “so, what do you want to talk about today?” i’d stare off into nothingness for 15 to 20 seconds looking for an answer before I could come up with something, anything.
a good majority of the time in this cycle i lived in despair, probably a year and a half. despair is one step beyond depression. despair settles in when most hope drains from life. it can be spotted rather easily; someone offers up hope and it gets answered with something like,”i can’t see that hope.” it’s a real suckie place to be. it took pretty much all my energy to make it to bed each night alive. i would have survived another day on one hand, and on the other i’d ask why.
thankfully, research shows the time between depression gets longer, too. the last time out of depression lasted about a year and a half. I hope for double that. that still puts me in two depressions every decade.
let’s say the statin drug gives me another fives extra years to live, one depressive cycle; 10 years, 2 cycles; 20 years, 4 cycles. would it be worth it?
I would not call what I’ve been doing the last two years as living. more like just surviving. even at a ratio of 3:2 to the good, i’d still be not really living 40% of the time.