if

if a picture paints a thousand words

then why can’t i paint you?

the words will never show

the you i’ve come to know…

bread

if i could only write to you

what word would choose to use?

to express the pain i feel

being so misconstrued

me

what words would i choose to use if i were to reply to my sister? what attempt at self care would i take? this is my attempt at that. this probably would not be sent anytime soon because i feel the situation remains to hot and anything i would say would simply inflame the situation. I wonder if it would ever cool off enough or if there exists unspoken damage which seemingly caused, as i see, an out of proportion response. so, here it goes.

the quickness and the terseness of your reply took me by surprise. one reason i shared with you was because i figured you would be open to new ideas.  your practicing of acknowledgments with me would help me to get to a healthy balanced state, wellness. the coldness of your reply proved me wrong for sure.

feel free to check, in my reply to you, i never once said stop sending ideas. i did ask for acknowledgments because of the knowledge of my situation. right now, acknowledgments feed me, not more suggestions. in my mind, depression can’t be solved; it must be worked through. filling my mind with suggestions doesn’t get me any closer to where i want to be.

additionally, because i thought the email started getting long, i didn’t supply my full history. i have tried mindfulness and i couldn’t quiet my mind enough. i would even struggle with something as simple as mindfully eating a bowl of cereal. my mind would race there and everywhere as opposed of staying here. unfortunately, the depressed mind does funny tricks. i’ve even heard of people who had to stop mindfulness since it cranked their anxiety to high levels.

the suggestions on mindfulness brings up an important point, the idea of cross support. that happens when someone feels they would benefit from one type of support, in my case, acknowledgments and they receive any other type of support. my situation doesn’t get to claim exclusivity; there are many types of cross support. the key point to make is the person receiving support doesn’t feel fulfilled in the case of cross support. this is not just a me thing; i’ve seen it in many different people in many different situations. often times cross support leads to frustration or even anger. the supported person feels unheard or no closer to a solution. they wonder if they’ll ever see an end to what ever struggles they face. the thought becomes unbearable and they explode. for that reason, cross support often times ends up even further away from the idea of wellness.

that’s what happened with me; your kind and considerate suggestions got me no closer to where i want to be. then, your reply implied that i may not completely know what’s best for me. believe me, the journey has been long and hard, but now, i have a pretty good idea of what works and what doesn’t work for me.

so, here i sit wounded. i came looking for support that i thought would truly help me. and in reply i felt jumped, as if i had done something wrong by asking for my flavor of support. the results leave  me feeling even more broken and alone.

i don’t know where to begin to heal this broken relationship. i do know that you are important and significant in my life and i would like to find a way. then again, i have no idea if you even have any thought of moving forward as brother and sister. and if that happened, if you could support me the way that feeds me and in the process, move me closer the wellness i long for and deserve. right now, this remains a pipe dream.