wintery island

stay alive vs. living

” the mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive but finding something to live for.”
fyodor dostoyensky
okay, don’t take this post as a despondent, driving off the cliff type of post. instead, think of it as someone in search of a real purpose.
depression has a tendency to hold me down by my throat and tell me i have no reason to live. as time goes on and the struggles waxes and wanes, at times, far to often, i find myself believing the trickster. i fall under his trance and begin to believe his lies.

the trickster tightened his grip went i attempted self care with my sister. i  thought i would find a receptive being to my request of self care. she essence called me ungrateful and told me since i did what to play by her rules, she planned to take her ball and go home.
that hurt. she is my closest sister by age and the sister that i had developed the closest relationship, at one time. that seems pretty much blown out of the water by an attempted self care. sad.
as i struggle to find something to live for, surely, my family doesn’t qualify. they would rather care for my brother struggling and beating cancer. meanwhile, it has been the end of december since anyone in my family has called me.  the number of calls from family members totaled less than the number of months in the year. yes, you do hear at least a hint of resentment in my words. clearly, they inspire me enough to do just about nothing.
i have my two pillars of support, support groups and blog friends.  while they offer me both a place to truly share, hell, if my family members read this, they would probably crap their pants, along with safety in the form of a judgement free environment. to be truthful, i see the judgement in the reassuring head movements, the i’ve been there, too, nods. when that happens, i don’t feel so alone. these pillars only help me to stay alive, but don’t supply me a reason to live. don’t get me wrong, without my pillars, i would be way far closer to the proverbial edge than where i currently find myself.
next comes Mary. you have probably noticed i write in no caps. i allow only one exception, the capital m in Mary’s name. i do that out of respect. she has stood by me through some seven depressive cycles. for that i offer up thanksgiving. there has been times where she has offered herself up for a reason to live. i feel a great reluctance to make her my something to live for. sometimes she pushes my buttons a little too well. she puts me in a position where i question my safety. since i feel deeply, the pain gets multiplied. i do find thanks, that unlike my sister, my request to Mary to deliver statement of acknowledgments, statements that offer me an immediate reminder that i am okay with who and where i am, hasn’t fallen on deaf ears. she has become a reassuring voice i so desperately desire. with that voice, healing can begin.
the last thing that comes to mind comes in a hope that i can help people dealing with depression by showing their suppor what they can do. i also can highlight the dangers of crossed support and how that contributes to the depressive struggle. don’t tell my sister; with her, it’s her way or the highway. society currently hangs its hat on solutions and let’s face it, for the most part, depression can’t be solved.
but, all the years of slights and judgements hold me back. a good friend, a english major, tells me i’m one of the best writers they know. i feel inspired by their statement for maybe a half hour before i get dragged down in the muck. the years of judgement cause the  “i’m not good enough”, statement to echo in my head.
so, there you have it, the reason why today i only seemingly choose to live. i look for a reason to live for and pretty much come up empty handed. but, my search will go on, so i can hopefully live a fulfilling life again.

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