the battle against non-existent judgement

seeming support gift
with accountability
potential judgement

the other day, I shared with depressionless in her post Four Things I Could Say About Depression, that it makes it much easier to get the support you want if you ask for the support you want.  sounds simple, i know, but sometimes asking can be the hardest thing in the world. today, i decided to take some of my own medicine.

i’ve been doing some downward spiraling recently due mostly to some failed attempts at self care, but that’s another story.  i finally decided to take action to get the support i wanted and needed.

i believe that acknowledgments are a key to turning around depression. what do i mean by acknowledgments? take a look at what can i do for a bunch of examples. i say acknowledgments help to counter the silly voices inside the head that tells the depressed person that they have little value, believing in oneself wastes time and maybe even the thought that someone doesn’t belong in this world.

i’ve been sending daily acknowledgments to a few people and it has met with  great success. at times, i wished someone could practice that on me, that i could receive daily reminders that i’m okay, even in a broken state.

so, i asked one of the people i’ve been acknowledging if they could return the favor. they obliged and threw in the seeming bonuses of little or not so little life challenges like preform some act of self care today and some accountability. i felt up for that.  i felt the challenges would help me move towards where i wanted to go and the accountability would help me to follow through.

as i began to sit with it, i could feel my gut begin to tighten. i know my body well enough to know that means fear. for some reason, in the moment, i did not make the correlation. i just began to feel uncomfortable about something.  i couldn’t immediately put my finger on the cause of the discomfort, but i felt it.

as i continued to sit with it, i recognized the accountability piece stirred the fear. at an intellectual level i could see that my friend has never judged me and i see her as a kind and gentle person who’s judgements would come few and far between. additionally i recognize her “judgments” would come in the form of encouragements and not finger pointing. for some reason, in the mind state i find myself in, all i could imagine were dump truck loads of judgment. i’ll admit it, i’m screwed up.

i grew up in a subtly but brutally judgmental family. i guess the pain from that never healed. this pain contributes greatly to my social anxiety and that anxiety feeds my depression. it represents a vicious circle. i hate vicious circles; they cause too much pain.

my friend and i discussed my findings and she now understands where i’m coming from. for now, we are going to dropped the explicit accountability piece.  i still plan to report my successes or failings with her daily challenges. somehow, for me, the judgement piece gets severely diminished if it becomes a personal choice i make.

do you have any bodily reactions that indicate something to you? where and what do they indicate?

do your childhood struggles and shortcomings contribute to your depression? which ones?