seattle japanese garden panorama

self care struggles—part deux

i had an appointment with my prescribing doctor in the middle of last month. my genetic test got caught up in the backlog of test from the thanksgiving holiday. my doc promised me a call when the results came in to discuss the findings.

a copy of the results from my doc and the testing agency arrived the last week of december. still no call.

i called on january 4th and left a message. i received a text that i’d receive a callback on the seventh. the seventh came and went, along with the eighth, ninth, tenth and eleventh with still no callback.

i called and left a message on the twelfth talking about promises made and call backs not return. midway through leaving the message, i noticed my voice started to quiver. i finished the message. then, the real fun began.

i hung up. i felt wiped out. i looked down at my hand and noticed it visibly shaking. i had become quite worked up about leaving a phone message. i continued at an elevated level. some 10-15 minutes later, i began to tear up and then cry.

this attempt at self-care had ended similar to my other recent attempt. even without a conflict, i felt like i had been through a battle. i felt battered and bruised even though no one single punch landed or even got thrown, for that matter.

these attempts at self-care where i end up feeling decimated gotta stop. i even feel a knotted gut just recounting the events. they not only cause short-term damage but also long-term damage. i immediately have fear of a similar outcome just about every time i attempt self-care. this can’t be good for me.

5 thoughts on “self care struggles—part deux

  1. bipolarsojourner Post author

    it’s a little of both. I have a similar occurrence in the last two weeks, self-care struggles when i approach something like these, i work myself up by rehearsing it head, time after time hoping to get it just right, trying to imagine every outcome. the process puts me into a very defensive stance, but still ready to fight. i end up getting wound so tight that i am almost guaranteed to emotionally sprong no matter the result.

  2. kbailey374

    It irks me how hard it is to do these simple things sometimes… you did it though. And it’s not your fault they are not cooperating. Give yourself kudos and hugs!

  3. bipolarsojourner Post author

    i appreciate the acknowledgement. as they say, what the world needs now…even more acknowledgements. bring ’em on! more to come on that. you’ll have to wait, not long though.

    ends up my lab work got caught up in a rash of flu at the lab above and beyond the holiday layovers. normally, the genetics test has a two to three week turn around. mine ended up being a little longer than a month

  4. Pingback: my self-care struggle defined | bipolarsojourner

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