note: this started out as a reply to something my friend depressionless said. it got a little out of control, too many words, and what I said would likely beneficial to many, so I turned it into a post.
i hate when people try to impose their feeling structure on me. if i am sad, let me be sad. don’t make me fake happy, glad, satisfied or jovial. those feelings don’t fit me at the time.
not only that, i find presenting a false front to be like putting my right shoe on my left foot and my left shoe on my right foot. i find it at best, awkward to painful to down right dangerous.
the awkwardness comes from trying to project a place where i am not. the forced smiles, the faked hello’s, the phony greeting hugs, they represent a facade, a fake front, like trying to force a victorian front onto a modern neo-classical building. it just doesn’t work for me.
painful, because holding my true feelings in, especially strong feelings takes effort. as I hide the real me, i realize the real me remains hidden and that only increases my sadness. as this sadness grows, the pain also increases. it can become like a perpetual-motion machine, feeding on itself as it continues to grow.
finally, dangerous. i love popcorn. i have an old fashion streak in me and still make it in a pan. holding our true feelings equates to putting way to much popcorn in the pan. first, as the popping begins, everything seems to be okay. then, the lit starts to pop off. i’ll start to put pressure on the top to keep things contained. after a while, even that stops working and there is popcorn all over the stovetop, falling onto the element creating a smelly mess.
or who hasn’t shaken a soda can. i know i have. with each additional shake, each denied feeling, the pressure builds and builds. eventually the can has to be opened, and when it does, it sprays everywhere creating a sticky mess.
those sticky smelly messes are results of the built up pressure. the pressure cause by holding to much stuff in, whether it be popcorn, soda or emotions. they will all eventually explode.
the emotional explosions could come out as anger and its more violent cousin, rage. it can also manifest itself as depression. the days, weeks, months and years of not being true to myself leads me to not value my feeling and by extension, not value myself. that lack of self value can and will likely become a seed to depression.
so, i implore everyone to be true to their emotions. believe it or not, it qualifies as self-care! if someone doesn’t like when you express bring-me-down emotions, tell them, “tough, i gotta be true to me, to who i am, and where i am. if you think it is tough to hear, try living it; then you’ll know true pain.”
I held my feelings in for months before I started blogging and talking to my doctor, I guess I tried to make too much popcorn (never heard it put like that before) and it’s making me do things that I will probably regret. I struggle talking to people about it; so far I’ve told my doctor, one friend, one counsellor at college (who I don’t really talk to). It seems easier to hide than tell at first, but now I’ve kind of learned the harder way that I should tell people. I’m slowly working on telling people, it’s harder than it sounds though.
Great post, I love it! 🙂 I like your writing as well, you should do more posts.
I always enjoy hearing from you and reading your post. I find some of them challenging. i always say challenge stimulates growth.
just so you know, i enjoy your writing, too. i admire your ability to post nearly daily. i also thank you from your for compliment and encouragement.
right now, my writing endeavors are split between the blog and a book i an writing. The book is based on what can i do, that you have probably become familiar with. It is aimed at supporters helping them realize there exists another side of support that often gets overlooked.
If I’m honest with you, there was a day were I was very lonely and depressed so I wrote lots of poems and one of my help posts (so from that one day I had three days worth of posts I think – that’s how I post so much). I hope your book goes well, let me know if you publish it.
i’m choosing to think positive, _when_.
hah, got ya beat. I wrote four and posted five on the day mary kicked me out of the house. the results didn’t end up half bad; the catalyst of the day/night/day got me out of my despair and into a semi-manageable depression. though not free of the big d completely, at least I feel I’m headed in the right direction.
I find it amazing how both of us had a burst of creativity surrounding a traumatic event. I hope for two post a week, ending more like one a week.