guess i wasn’t getting well fast enough. guess i wasn’t trying hard enough .
the blow-up started yesterday morning. she came into the bedroom making the point that i haven’t been getting better. as she does, she finds three or four ways to make the same point. my poor little introverted mind spins still trying to process the first point. each additional point, basically repeated points, leads to frustration, then infuriation and finally flooding.
i don’t feel safe when i’m flooded, so i got up to go for a walk. she screams as i leaving the house, “if you walk out, you are walking out on me.” my thought goes to, “ah no, if i leave i am walking out on the situation.” she yells if i cause so much pain, why don’t you just leave.” then i misused the ultimate trump card, “maybe i’ll just leave this world; then i won’t feel pain.”
when i got home from my walk, Mary had left for work. i felt saddened when the boyz, our dogs, did not greet me. she had taken them to work. the boyz had become a pawn; they have been home every weekday for as long as i struggled. she wanted to take that joy from me when i needed it most.
i left the house before Mary got home. i didn’t want to face her. i turned off my phone because i didn’t really want to have communications with her. when i did turn my phone back on, a stream of text waited for me. in the stream i found numerous texts with statements like, “you need to…” and “i need you to…” i felt like a series of commands came barking at me. also in the stream floated a, “don’t come home tonight. i need time to think.” yep, i had been kicked out of my own house. and as if you didn’t know, what a great place for a depressed person to be.
then the question turned to a place to lay my head. at a quarter to ten, i felt it a little rude calling people looking for some floor space, a place to lay. the initiative turn to, “making shit up”. how could i fill the time between now and 9:00 the next morning. after wandering around two variety stores, you know, the type that have everything from apples to zoot suits. after that, i rolled on over to a bowling alley. from there a headed to the golden arches for some french fries and free wi-fi. i posted a bunch of new post that i had written earlier in the day. they’ll be popping up at a blog near you. that got me to 3:30 and a tired state. i couldn’t justify 60$ or 70$ for a 6 hour stay at a hotel, so i did the next best thing; i drove to a nearby rest area and reclined the seat back as far as it could go. needless to say, sleep really didn’t happen. i just used the stop as a way to kill another five hours.
which brings us to saturday. Mary feels hurt for things i did and i feel hurt for things she did. we still aren’t talking. on the bright side, we are using the totally inefficient form of communication, texting. we seem headed towards some form of reconciliation. i feel a certain amount of reluctance. is it all a power struggle? Mary seemed to excerpt quite a bit of it yesterday; her pronouncements of the morning, taking the boyz, her list of commands, and telling me not to come home. am i trying to take some of it back by my misused threat yesterday and by not running back to her? at the same time, i can’t deny i still feel great pain.
on the bright side, i don’t feel as doomed as i felt a couple of days ago. maybe this awful, horrid event can become a seed for change.