a little bird sitting on a branch

that face

i hate that face. the downward facing corner of the lips, the slight puppy dog eyes.  it always strikes me hard, like a hammer to a finger. is it a look of disappointment? is it a look of despair? is it i hope for so much more for you? is it i want so much more out of you? is it a hate to see you is such pain? is it i want you to fight harder? is it i don’t want you to give up?  is it pull up your bootstraps and get going? is it why, why, why? is it a why me? is it great sadness to horrid to express? is it this person i love so dearly doesn’t deserve this? is it when will this end. is it will it ever end?
all of these and more swim around in my head when i see that face. the current is swift and i thrash around wildly trying to keep my head above water. my gulps for air are punctuated with gulps of half air and half water and others of almost all water. i feel like i’m drowning.  i wish for any flotsam or jestum to grap onto so i can wrap my body around it to hopefully keep myself afloat just a little bit longer. i wait for a rescue and i don’t even see one on the horizon.
this sucks!
depression sucks!
This entry was posted in checkin, depression, emotions, fear and tagged , on by .

About bipolarsojourner

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.

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