another view of the tatoosh range

life as a fear junkie

imagine, if you will, a white fluffy bunny minding its own business in the freshly fallen snow. suddenly, he hears the distinct sound of a grey wolf coming up behind him. he makes a dash for it, hopping just as fast as he can. heart rate up, respiration up, blood pressure up among a whole list of bodily changes.   if he is lucky the wolf will break off pursuit in minutes. imagine if the pursuit didn’t break off not in hours, days, months or years. all the while the rabbit is on high alert, muscles working continuously, adrenalin coursing through its veins. the rabbit would be exhausted. and even though the wolf doesn’t  get him, his insides would be torn up from the continual stress from being on such high alert for so long.

 

people who constantly live in fear aren’t much better off. they are afraid of doing the wrong thing. they are afraid of doing the right thing. they are  afraid of trying. they are afraid of failing. they are  afraid of not being accepted. they are  afraid of bein loved. they are afraid of the end of the world, whether by catastrophe or simply fading away. they are afraid of losing their connections. they are afraid of making more. they are afraid of losing everything. they are afraid of getting all their heart desires for fear of not knowing what to do with it.

each one of these fear fires off a new shot of adrenalin and puts the body on high alert. and like the bunny who has runs for years, the body sits ravaged by a constant heighten state of fear. soon the body stops working at peak efficiency. systems begin to shut down.

maybe if i can stay in a near vegetative state, i don’t have to worry about all these fears.  i can leave it all behind. i can pretend like it’s not there. i hope for a ferry to pass by, wave their magic wand and make it all go away. merlin? are you there?  unfortunately, when i wake up, the wolf, all of my fears, are still there chomping at my heals.

what hope does a fear junkie hold? what can they hold out for? how can they be free  of this constant and continuous struggle? if i had the answer, i might win a nobel peace prize or something like that.  instead i still run, looking to be free of the fear that not only rules and runs my life but ruins it, too.

 

 

This entry was posted in checkin, depression, fear and tagged , on by .

About bipolarsojourner

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.

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