i consider myself a rather trusting person. as i sit here pondering life, the universe, and everything, there is one place i struggle mightily with trust; that is with my emotions.
it all starts with what i call my 4-10-16 triumphant. they represent the years of emotional events in my life that have unfortunately scarred me . the events either left me with minimized, or worse yet, denied feelings.
to this day, because of those events and others like them, i have massive insecurities around my emotions. i wonder if it okay for me to feel what i am feeling, i wonder if i am less of a person because of what i am feeling. worse yet, i go off the deep end and wonder if i am even lovable because of what i am feeling.
i’m constantly looking for someone that can help me deal with the emotional pain that never seems to go away. i try to let people in, but they unknowingly poke at the emotional scars. each poke reminds me of the childhood emotional pain that never seems to go away.
recently, i thought i had found a good candidate for my emotional well being. in discussions, they talked about their personal needs to work at their problems at a emotional level, first. they seemed safe. then i called out to them about some emotional turmoil i found myself in the middle of. seemingly, without skipping a beat, they slipped into talking about the situation, leaving the the emotions strewn here and there radiating outward like a middle of and explosion. poke. poke. poke. poke. poke. poke. each poke reminds me of my primal wounds, of the pain(s) that seemingly won’t go away.
yet another person who doesn’t get it. yet another person who doesn’t understand my pain. yet another person that leaves me with the question, “are they worthy of my emotional trust?” and the other bigger question, “can i find anyone worthy of my emotional trust?” and the still bigger question, “will this pain ever go away?”
with such big questions that still remain unanswered, no wonder i suffer with depression. lacking a place to deposit all this emotional garbage, it just stays in me, festering and making matters worse. while maybe not the total cause, this struggle contributes mightily.
my search goes on, hoping against hope, that i will find a receptacle for emotional trash or some regular collection service to take this crap away. i keep hoping to find the emotional dump so i can unload all this stuff and be more able to handle what life deals me.
“A situation” robbing my emotion, my being, myself…without missing a beat? instinctively? perhaps uncontrolled impulse? need for control?…poking for answers or a resolve. Maybe to feel useful, bring meaning or feed one’s ego? Sometimes innocently but non the less there’s an edge of selfishness. Could it be delusional that we feel we are helping, doing a good thing or believing the right thing? I have been guilty as charged! I am trying to redirect myself, to first stop then listen. I am in awe with those who purge through a journey of stigma. Stigma that suffocates with every step, muscles ache in places we can’t imagine.
One’s heart, one’s hope…driving forces that pierce through the bureaucracy, picking oneself up from continued efforts…exhausting efforts. A battlefield, a lonely soldier marching forward one step at a time.
Congratulations on taking the step to stop and listen. Sometimes I even fail at that. I recognize that when I am already formulating my answer before even hearing what the other person is saying. When I start to formulate my answer to early, it diminishes my ability to hear what the other person is saying.