mt rainier fron kendall catwalk hike

the search for joy

hard day today.

you see, it all started some fifty years ago. i came into the world.

fast forward some forty-eight years and i find myself entering what would be my toughest and longest depressive cycle ever.

fast forward  a couple weeks short of another two years as I near the celebration of a half century. unfortunately, depression still reigns and a  pea soup fog blankets my land. it is a thick and ominous haze hiding happiness from my heart. bouts of happiness have been few and far between through my recent journey. that leads to my  biggest fear of the night; there will be a celebration for me and i will feel no joy.

fast forward two weeks; the day of the big celebration arrives. i am anxious and apprehensive wondering what the night holds for me.

the time comes and guests arrive. i didn’t set the guest list. some old stand bys came along with some nice surprises. in the mist of my struggles like wondering if _my_ guest are having a good time and making sure the meat comes off the grill fully cooked, i am able to find joy among friends.

then the last person leaves. the crash begins. though i try to fight it off, i feel strong resentment as i help my wife with some post party clean-up. i feel a brief relief as i slumber the night away. when the brain is in a restful state, it can’t shoot up a stream of uncontrolled emotions.

the morning comes. the now precipitous decline takes off. it’s like a run away train.  quickly i feel much worse than the start of the previous day. soon, i am wondering what people would think if i am not around. i want off this train. i want out of this depression. there is no joy in mudville, or any place for that matter.


This entry was posted in checkin, depression and tagged , , on by .

About bipolarsojourner

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.

2 thoughts on “the search for joy

  1. Nikki

    I’ve wanted off the train many a times myself. .. but a long time ago I made a pact to live life for every tear, joy, pain and fear. .. My pain has often been my strife but I discovered it’s so worth it for any fleeting spec of joy. I’ve only known you depressed but even in this state I think you’re a pretty amazing person.

    1. bipolarsojourner Post author

      Thanks for the recognition of being an amazing person. I want off my train because I am only a fraction of the person I can be while in my depressed state. I am nowhere near the full potential that I possess.


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