Mary

“she comes to me when i feeling down
inspires me with out a sound
she touches me, I get turned around”
billy joel

i am fortunate to have Mary. what an angel she is. she loves me, she supports me, she cares about me. most of the time i am unappreciative of those things, but always those three things are self evident.

sometimes,  i wonder why she still with me. i have put her through at least 10 years of a living hell bouncing from depression to depression. she somehow has put up with that. for that reason, she’s a blessing.

each depressive cycle i fear this time, i’ll drive her away for good. it hasn’t happened yet and i hope it never does.

the spouse of someone living with a mental disorder ,in a way has it rougher than the person living with the disorder. they have no idea when the wheels will fall off. they do not have the disorder, but they have to live with it every day. they don’t know if today is going to be an “eggshell” day or not;. sometimes, their uncertainty is unbounded. often times they want their suffering spouse to get better more than the sufferer since they can be a mostly impartial observer of the living hell the spouse is going through.

today, Mary stayed home to support me after the hellious day i had yesterday. the problem is, today is no different then any other day i’ve spent in depression. i have little idea of my needs.  for that reason, i have little idea how she could be that support to me that she wants to be. that brings me great sadness. Mary, for some reason, even when i don’t feel worthy,  loves, supports and cares about me. for that, i am a better person.

by now, i am certain, you have noticed that i write this blog using no caps. it’s just a decision i made to differentiate my depression related writing from my other works. today, and this day going forward, i will make an exception to honor Mary, the woman who continues to love, support and care about me.