i hate were i’m at. this depressive cycle sucks! sucks, i tell ya. sucks! it really does.
i guess i should be thankful i’m not suicidal. why the hell not. this is the worst i’ve ever felt. my thoughts today went to leaving my life behind, all of it. finding a nice comfortable bridge to live under. now i understand why so many people with mental disorders end up on the street. somehow in my sick mind, that would make everything all better. sick i tell ya, sick.
i guess i’m thankful that i’m not suicidal. for that reason i know i’m not completely filled with despair. the despair needle has to point to something less than 100%.
what’s in the other part of the tank? the opposite of despair, HOPE. There’s got to be some hope there. that’s gotta be the reason i’m hanging on.
right now i feel a little like george in it’s a wonderful life,
“help me clarence. get me back. get me back, i don’t care what happens to me. get me back to my wife and kids. help me clarence, please. please, i want to live again. i want to live again! i want to live again. please God, let me live again.”
I am with you on that feeling…it really does suck.I query the life when happier(ok, sick still with mania) but I wonder why I can’t have more of that..PLEASE. I do think about giving up everything and starting again.But then I think, as what? where? why? would it change? Nope!